23 August 2016

Seeing My Past In The Present

Breaking This World's Patterns

This afternoon on my walk, I came across a couple having an issue.

Drama.

The man is asking the woman to hurry up in a very banal way.

I'm walking along a path next to the shore.

I guess they've been at the beach for a while and he is ready to leave, but she doesn't seem ready to leave just yet.

He starts play fighting with her, and is connecting lightly with her stomach, her breasts and her face.

Steam goes off in my heart and my mind, and my flesh desires to pummel him instantly.

He is playing, but still touching her and speaking to her in a way that seems quite disrespectful and ill-mannered.

She is simply standing there without much of an expression, not surprised by his words or actions.

I pray as I quietly walk by.

I want to let her know that it seems this man doesn't respect her at all.

I walk a short distance, stop and turn around to observe them.

They go back and forth, still seeming to be playful in their own way, using language that I think isn't to be used towards a spouse or anyone at all.

I realize that it isn't so much the man who at first I had a sharp eye on, but it is also the woman.

The exchange between them reminds me of a certain time in my life.

A time of disrespect, carelessness and constant drama.

I remember attempting to court some women who would be very suspicious when I'd open a door for them, or speak kind words to them.

Or some women who seemed to appreciate my kind efforts towards them, but they somehow also expected disrespect and abuse from me; projecting their upbringing or their past relationships with men.

Sadly, I eventually learned to be selfish, careless, rude and disrespectful towards women... and this ineptitude would attract more women to me the harder my heart became.

It was quite bizarre.

Over time my heart became cynical and hardened towards life and love.

My attitude towards women in general was seeing them as objects instead of partners.

I was a broken mess and I would attract broken women who were a mess themselves, being also attracted to such women, to such weakness and emptiness.

I crossed paths with this couple again as we left the beach area.

I prayed for them individually and as a couple again.

I also had to check myself regarding the judgment I was contemplating in my heart, firstly towards the man, and then also towards the woman, now remembering how I was somewhat like him and how I used to pursue women just like her.

When I first heard and saw the manner he was talking to and treating her, my flesh desired to become violent with him.

Sin is deceitful, and when witnessing dark matters, temptation isn't too far off from us.

At times, what we find distasteful in others may actually be a poor reflection of our past, or even present shortcomings.

I can't help but feel sad and sorry for the woman, and also for the man, but I really don't know where they've been nor in which direction they are going.

I also can't help but be so grateful to God for snapping me out of my stupor, my earth-bound trajectory of times past.

Repentance is a constant gift revealing God's grace, and such things never fail to produce fruit.

No comments: