FaceBook Asked Me "How's It Going"
Facebook changes things often, and recently their text field has been asking "How are you doing, ____ ( your name )?" and "How's it going?" and others... so I thought I'd answer here.
I'm sad. I'm crying. I'm in a pathetic spiritual, physical, emotional and fiscal state at the moment. I'm homeless. I'm alone. My business is failing, ill investments are getting worse and I just don't seem to care anymore about anything... like all this is my just due, me recompense for my sins against God and man.
I sometimes wish I had been born on a farm like my grandparents were, somewhere far outside the city and its trappings, with no teevee nor radio.. maybe just books... where I had been weened on a work ethic to get up everyday, be resourceful and work in order to feed myself and the family, keeping the business going and sustained, etc., where I would have no clue of what pornography was, infidelity, politics, drugs, hollywood ( a 'show' used as a litmus test to estimate my life by ), etc., nor all the garbage surrounding those who have been born into 'modern' civilization and seem to be living without issue, pursuing their dreams, goals, dreams, and 'living' according to God and / or Caesar.... while I am stuck with a head full of 'don't do that' and 'sure it is attractive and desirable but it will kill you in the end' type stuff.... or worse, the 'it's all going to burn in the end anyway.' My ambition seems to be dead, along with my heart and conscience.
I sometimes wish I had no knowledge of anything other than how to truly love and help people. I believe I learned this in my early twenties, but somehow over the years, I have forgotten and now my calloused heart is hard as stone and I don't trust anyone... even those who have proven to be good influences in my life.. these very people I push away and avoid.
My mind and heart is full of so much vile information regarding the exploits of men, of past disappointments stemming from me and others... I wonder how can I cleanse myself of all this stuff and instead plow a field of truth, light and righteousness ( for my own salvation and that of those who see / hear me ). How can I get back to that wide eyed kid out of high school ready to take on the world and carve out a name for myself.... yet instead denied worldly gains for Christ... but now I find myself neither religious, righteous or responsible... just ridiculously rude to others. I'm tired of disappointing people, hurting people and burying myself alive with the things I do and say. It is as if I somehow 'know' salvation is not for me anymore, so I seem to be furthering the dark and tough path set out for me.
Why is it when, something good comes into my life, I don't believe it as 'good' but as a trick of some kind? Why is it I reject opportunity when folks around me grant it to me on a silver platter? Sure, I desire to create my own wealth / livelihood but seem either too incompetent to do that or I have this self defeating attitude where I sabotage anything good that's going for me. Why do I believe I deserve nothing good in this life but misery?
From the outside, my life seems like a dream to others. I know how to do a bunch of stuff, yet desire to know and do more. What I have done, where I have gone and what I have accomplished is more than many I personally know have experienced... yet why do I feel like a loser, an incompetent brat, a user of people, a selfish hawk, a loathsome bother, the type warned to stay away from in scripture? Why does my happiness seem to be grounded in the amount of money I make?
After I learned how the financial / economic world works in regards to money and how that thing functions, I think I became depressed and left the real estate industry, for debt money created out of nothing furthers the perpetual economic slavery too many haven't a clue about.
After I left church due to a plethora of factors, I think I became depressed with the thought of a fiery furnace awaiting me since I left the 'kingdom of God' as found here on earth among men... or so I was taught. I know I did go through something after my grandfather passed, for he expressed to me he held no faith in God. So that was another failure where I wasn't able to convince my grandfather by my lifestyle that God existed and that God had his best interests at heart.... for by the time my grandfather passed, I had left church and had returned to the vomit I left prior to being baptized.
I recently sabotaged yet another romantic relationship - this one being the closest to anything real, wholesome and genuine I've ever encountered; someone you would have a hard time finding fault in, let alone finding her unattractive in the least - simply because of my lack of character, my fears, my insecurity, my pessimism, my fiscal position and my lust after other women ( just to name a few failures ). I hurt someone who treated me like a prince. I threw away the good things they had stored in their heart. I treated her like the ex gal who lied about sleeping with other men behind my back treated me: with utter contempt, out of vain selfishness and lust. I turned right around, being hurt and trying to love someone, to hurting someone trying to love me. Thing is, I KNOW this is a typical human character trait ( lash out after being hurt ) which I didn't have to fall into, but here I am, finding myself to have forwarded this madness and pain to another.
I know, all this drama is baloney and I should just 'get over it' and get a job or something, right? Well, this is just the mountain top of the reasons why I'd like to take up sky diving without a chute.
I'm sad. I'm crying. I'm in a pathetic spiritual, physical, emotional and fiscal state at the moment. I'm homeless. I'm alone. My business is failing, ill investments are getting worse and I just don't seem to care anymore about anything... like all this is my just due, me recompense for my sins against God and man.
I sometimes wish I had been born on a farm like my grandparents were, somewhere far outside the city and its trappings, with no teevee nor radio.. maybe just books... where I had been weened on a work ethic to get up everyday, be resourceful and work in order to feed myself and the family, keeping the business going and sustained, etc., where I would have no clue of what pornography was, infidelity, politics, drugs, hollywood ( a 'show' used as a litmus test to estimate my life by ), etc., nor all the garbage surrounding those who have been born into 'modern' civilization and seem to be living without issue, pursuing their dreams, goals, dreams, and 'living' according to God and / or Caesar.... while I am stuck with a head full of 'don't do that' and 'sure it is attractive and desirable but it will kill you in the end' type stuff.... or worse, the 'it's all going to burn in the end anyway.' My ambition seems to be dead, along with my heart and conscience.
I sometimes wish I had no knowledge of anything other than how to truly love and help people. I believe I learned this in my early twenties, but somehow over the years, I have forgotten and now my calloused heart is hard as stone and I don't trust anyone... even those who have proven to be good influences in my life.. these very people I push away and avoid.
My mind and heart is full of so much vile information regarding the exploits of men, of past disappointments stemming from me and others... I wonder how can I cleanse myself of all this stuff and instead plow a field of truth, light and righteousness ( for my own salvation and that of those who see / hear me ). How can I get back to that wide eyed kid out of high school ready to take on the world and carve out a name for myself.... yet instead denied worldly gains for Christ... but now I find myself neither religious, righteous or responsible... just ridiculously rude to others. I'm tired of disappointing people, hurting people and burying myself alive with the things I do and say. It is as if I somehow 'know' salvation is not for me anymore, so I seem to be furthering the dark and tough path set out for me.
Why is it when, something good comes into my life, I don't believe it as 'good' but as a trick of some kind? Why is it I reject opportunity when folks around me grant it to me on a silver platter? Sure, I desire to create my own wealth / livelihood but seem either too incompetent to do that or I have this self defeating attitude where I sabotage anything good that's going for me. Why do I believe I deserve nothing good in this life but misery?
From the outside, my life seems like a dream to others. I know how to do a bunch of stuff, yet desire to know and do more. What I have done, where I have gone and what I have accomplished is more than many I personally know have experienced... yet why do I feel like a loser, an incompetent brat, a user of people, a selfish hawk, a loathsome bother, the type warned to stay away from in scripture? Why does my happiness seem to be grounded in the amount of money I make?
After I learned how the financial / economic world works in regards to money and how that thing functions, I think I became depressed and left the real estate industry, for debt money created out of nothing furthers the perpetual economic slavery too many haven't a clue about.
After I left church due to a plethora of factors, I think I became depressed with the thought of a fiery furnace awaiting me since I left the 'kingdom of God' as found here on earth among men... or so I was taught. I know I did go through something after my grandfather passed, for he expressed to me he held no faith in God. So that was another failure where I wasn't able to convince my grandfather by my lifestyle that God existed and that God had his best interests at heart.... for by the time my grandfather passed, I had left church and had returned to the vomit I left prior to being baptized.
I recently sabotaged yet another romantic relationship - this one being the closest to anything real, wholesome and genuine I've ever encountered; someone you would have a hard time finding fault in, let alone finding her unattractive in the least - simply because of my lack of character, my fears, my insecurity, my pessimism, my fiscal position and my lust after other women ( just to name a few failures ). I hurt someone who treated me like a prince. I threw away the good things they had stored in their heart. I treated her like the ex gal who lied about sleeping with other men behind my back treated me: with utter contempt, out of vain selfishness and lust. I turned right around, being hurt and trying to love someone, to hurting someone trying to love me. Thing is, I KNOW this is a typical human character trait ( lash out after being hurt ) which I didn't have to fall into, but here I am, finding myself to have forwarded this madness and pain to another.
I know, all this drama is baloney and I should just 'get over it' and get a job or something, right? Well, this is just the mountain top of the reasons why I'd like to take up sky diving without a chute.
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