My Irresponsibility & My Shame

The moment you are confronted ( yet again ) with the fact you've made some very bad financial decisions, were over-leveraged and were careless and now are living the consequences for being an idiot and the little you were trusted with you totally screwed up because you were a 'dishonest manager,' careless and didn't take the 'game' seriously....

The moment you realize some folks in church, although have a great heart and have good intentions, just don't have the means or the faith to help you ( unless you can pay market rent ) nor do they understand that yes prayer is needed, but also action.... and yet again the help comes from the most unexpected places ( people who would never be caught dead among organized religion because of the pains I do see and experience - yet I can somehow understand, somewhat, although my heart is embittered - )..

The moment you realize you have upset your landlady with your remark that you wouldn't dare invite friends into the house due to the smell of dog urine from the MANY times they've used almost every square foot of the house as their toilet because she loves dogs so much she must have them all over her she doesn't mind having dog hair fly all over the place ( never-mind the flea infestation she denies and acts as if she doesn't notice while you are pulling three to five off of you every day )...

The moment you realize you should have not mentioned how bad her house smells, although you were planning on having a bbq outside in the front yard to reach out to the community / neighbors and try to spearhead an outreach effort to the poor, needy and homeless ( yet she outright refused having anyone over the house )... you realize you cannot take those words back ( nor the frustrated heart behind them )... and you realize she now has declared a silent war ( passive aggression ) by cutting off the internet ( which is your means to derive an income ) and not letting you know about it, but acts dumb when you mention it to her... so you now find yourself bouncing around from coffee shop to coffee shop, without your 'office' since that is back at what was your home..

The moment you wonder if you should have paid the the expected 50% increase she demanded two months ago after being late a few days ( and the hurt pride you have because at one point you made more in one month than she or anyone you knew at the time was making in an entire year ), you feel like a real loser, a hypocrite and one that's full of 'it' because you couldn't control your spending three years prior and thought you had 'arrived' and this is the reason why you are now subject to the whims of unsavory people and now find yourself asking for help when others would always come to you for help )....

The MOMENT you realize how foolish you have been all this time, thinking and acting as if you have it all together... and each and every one of these words come to life and slap you across the face and sting your heart:

"A wise son heeds his father’s instruction, but a mocker does not listen to rebuke.

From the fruit of his lips a man enjoys good things, but the unfaithful have a craving for violence.

He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.

The sluggard craves and gets nothing, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied.

The righteous hate what is false, but the wicked bring shame and disgrace.

Righteousness guards the man of integrity, but wickedness overthrows the sinner.

One man pretends to be rich, yet has nothing; another pretends to be poor, yet has great wealth."

- Proverbs 13:7

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