The Memories That Haunt

1 John 2: 4

“Once you crossed the line...who are you? This will be a moment that [...you...] will never remove from...memory. ... There are certain things we do in life that we can never take back and that fundamentally shift our position and our relationships in the world.” 

- director's commentary, running time 1:00:08, Rendition (2007 film)

These words are what I heard while watching the commentary of a movie from a DVD.

There are times a DVD movie includes the commentaries from the director, and / or sometimes the actors and other people involved with the production.

There is a lot to learn and realize from listening to the commentaries; you can sometimes catch a glimpse into what certain individuals have in mind.

There is realization of certain motivations regarding the production and why certain things happened in the movie and in the manner they did.

The director's sentiments regarding the political idea of renditions and the fallout felt by not only the person rendered, but their families, struck me quite squarely in my heart.

The emotional response after hearing this particular explanation of the character's position, and how the director then tied it personally to any given real person, had me rewinding and writing down the message I heard.

The past is full of regrets, and certain regrets came to my mind...some which still haunt me.

The time I was abusing drugs and I disrespected and insulted certain relatives at different points within a year.

The time I called my mother a very degrading term and the shame I felt the moment that word left my mouth and reached her ears...and her very calm response clarify who really was the “b”.

The time I indirectly called my uncle a slave because he wasn't interested in my investment ideas.

The time I punched an ex-girlfriend in her side...and felt my dignity and manhood leave me.

The time I stole $10k from someone very close to me.

There were times I hurt innocent strangers and didn't feel regret until many years later after recalling the incidents.

The time I shot several people from a vehicle driving through a poor neighborhood with a sling shot, hitting some people in the head and elsewhere, watching them squirming and jumping in pain...while gleefully laughing with a friend.

The time I yelled ethnic epitaphs to a stranger simply because of the color of their skin.

The years it can take to realize the madness one has committed, and how criminal the activities were, or how wicked the attitude behind the words and actions were, can be quite extensive.

The ignorance.

The callousness.

The emotional and psychological damage I've done to many ex-girlfriends.

The lies and manipulative words to simply get them into bed, and the retreat after I have had enough of their bodies...not considering their emotional investment.

The hateful words when discarding them, manipulatively turning the tables on them in justifying why I am breaking up with them.

The selfishness.

The greed.

The lust.

The deception.

The games.

There are so many more 'times' that come to mind when reflecting on the director's words.

The torture that people have felt internally from my words and actions.

The displacement they may have felt, seemingly being removed from solid ground they previously thought they stood on, and realizing where my words and actions have pushed them...even off a metaphorical cliff.

There is a certain message that some of us may have heard as children, mostly likely told to us by our parents or other adults, that we were reminded to say to ourselves when others would say mean things to us:

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

This is a blatant lie that parents tell their children.

This is a lie people tell themselves (and others) attempting to stave off hurt, and it doesn't work.

This lie instead causes more pain since the words are subconsciously absorbed and initially deflected.

The truth is that words in fact do hurt, with the verbal scars running very deep, eventually causing more trauma and pain and suffering than sticks or stones can ever do.