My Journey To The I.R.A.

What are the chances I find this reminder at the starting point of a day's journey?
With God, nothing is by chance, but always purposed.
This 'find' sparked a mindset to remind me where I've come from...
...and where God has me now going.

After almost two years avoiding and ignoring something I had to do, I finally faced it.

In my effort to evade having an I.R.A. of my own, I was made to withdraw from one whose partial amount was left to me.

I wasn't as emotional now as I may have been when this I.R.A.'s contents first became available to me.

My mother had worked her entire adult life less the time she had given birth to myself and my two siblings.

My mother's workload in this life went further than having a 9 to 5 and raising three children.

She had a husband whose love eventually went cold and whose activity began to break the trust and fidelity she vowed to forever keep.

She also honored her parents to a certain fault, likely putting them before her husband at times as she surely always put them before herself.

For such sacrifices, tensions within her generational family also brought trouble, suspicion, accusations, and misunderstanding for her and her children.

So when I made my way to a bank where I had many years previous enrolled my mother's retirement savings scheme from previous jobs of hers, this particular scheme called an I.R.A., I couldn't help but be reminded of some things.

When I met my wife, I had previously resolved to downsize my life (partly by choice, partly by circumstance).

I had suffered an economic ruin of sorts, self-inflicted despite the world-wide economic disturbance of world markets also attributing to the chaos.

I had almost lost everything physically speaking... and nearly my mind.

Ironically and foolishly, I tried quickening this self-ruin by being reckless with my money.

This ruinous behavior also affected everyone around me.

I had been estranged from friends and relatives, less a few who wrestled along with me through my struggles in life at the time.

This estrangement further justified my throwing away of myself and the products of my work effort.

I was likely depressed and arguably suicidal.

Being witness to the physical slowing down of my dear grandfather, my dear maternal grandmother, and then my own dear mother was not an experience I thought I was ready for.

Yet I passed through it, face to face with death and decay and all that comes along with the latter stages of human life.

It was a time of trying to numb myself through sexual exploits with several women and drug abuse.

I was very challenging being so close when my grandfather passed away, watching my maternal mother slowing down albeit quite graciously, and witnessing my mother's mental capacity afflicted by something unknown and undiagnosed until nearly the very end.

Needless to say, these were stresses in my life due to the fact that I resided with them and couldn't 'do' anything to really help their situation.

And since I was going about dealing with these challenges in the worse way, I was likely a detriment to them and to the rest of my relatives.

My downward spiral had moments of inspiration.

A few peaks among many wide and deep valleys.

My attitude at the time was not helpful, but simply bitter and selfish and an excuse to lash out at others... and this I did.

The little financial success I achieved after my grandfather's death became an element that exacerbated my already dismal character and afflicted heart.

It was during this enduring period of my life I met my wife... a moment of finding myself at the highest peak over all other peaks at that time.

I had previously been working on decreasing my desire to consume things unnecessary.

Part of this effort changed from being very careful with money, to being careless and not planning for the future... and then back again (again, the peaks and valleys).

Part of how God straightened out my dismal attitude was after meeting my wife.

This too was a process.

Thank God my wife is a noble, honorable, honest, and humble woman, obedient to the things from Above and trusting God enough to follow a broken man that God had been working on his entire life.

She is also a strong woman that wouldn't tolerate a man to run over her (as I had done with previous women).

With her being brought into my life, I was comforted very much like this man was comforted so long ago:

Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he married Rebekah. So she became his wife, and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death. 

- Genesis 24: 67

God's timing is perfect.

Although my wife appeared before my mother's physical death, the disease that eventually caused my mother's physical death had already taken hold of her prior to me meeting my wife.

My mother was shut-in and unable to speak or express herself.

The cut-off of communication can be likened to losing someone prior to them physically leaving.

As it turned out, God had not planned to allow my mother to physically die prior to bringing me the comfort of a wife.

A comfort He knew I needed, and a comfort I was oblivious to at the time.

Instead, God brought me peace of mind and heart when I, according to my estimates, deserved it least... yet needed it most (according to His wisdom).

I thank God my mother was able to meet my wife and see God's comfort being passed, from her, to my wife, in me.

The look in my mother's eyes was evidence of this phenomenon.

This comfort is evident in a mother's love to her child.

When that child becomes a man and receives comfort once again through a wife, this kind of comfort is one that no amount of money, or prestige, or anything else short of a spiritual union is able to provide.

It is (yet beyond) a physical comfort like a mother would hold a child and nurture them.

It is (yet beyond) a physical comfort of having a companion like a wife that is there for you.

The spiritual teaching, message, and idea behind Mary and how the Church is expressed comes to mind and best describes this comfort mentioned in Scripture.

Those who experience such love may be better able to relate to what I am expressing.

Our union, our consummation, our marriage, our becoming one from two parts of an eternal whole, is similar to that verse from the ancient law of God found in Genesis about Isaac's marriage and the comfort he received after his mother passed.

God's law precedes, is the basis of, and surpasses any laws by governments of men.

There are times God's law is clearly seen through man's laws, other times man's laws are in deference to the laws of God.

The conflict is obvious when social order breaks down, when the unnatural is argued to be natural, when all that is popular nowadays is proclaimed as 'good', yet the Word clarifies it to be depraved and steeped in darkness.

It is according to God's law my wife is unified to me; my body has been made whole.

The struggle between sovereign rights related to land, but also humanity, is being mentioned here.

Sovereign rights are not dependent on land, yet men argue this in ignorance.

This, God has forever purposed... although not many understand.

Now, it is me realizing the many things He had long established and provided for me and all mankind.

The purpose of my journey is to relate it to you, recalling details with all complexity and nuance.

I share this to give a backdrop about a journey to a bank on a particular day.

A journey that meant more than retrieving some money my mother had left to me.

In my downsizing (again, by choice and by situation), I had sold the motorcycle, the car, unloaded my boutique business, and had lost almost all of my investments... mostly through carelessness, not so much by 'mistake' or gross incompetence.

I just didn't care.

The relatives I lived with were slowly dying and part of me was not interested in living.

Looking back, it was like a process of learning by removing what easily blinds, what confuses.

Namely; idolatry and a misuse of the tool of money, causing my heart to become arrogant and cold.

It was a time that allowed for much introspection later when licking my wounds.

In that process, I had to come to accept what my mother intended to leave me.

I felt at the time I didn't deserve it... regardless of the amount (large in some people's eyes, small in the eyes of others).

She had given me so much already during my entire lifetime, pouring herself out in so many ways immeasurable by numbers.

I felt I had failed to help her achieve some of her earthly dreams, and failed her expectations of me.

I can only assume a parent desires their child to be 'good', obedient and a better reflection of themselves.

I write 'assume' because I have yet to experience the role of a parent, but soon and very soon.

For a time, guilt and remorse were at the forefront when it came to thinking about my relationship with my mother.

I had troubled my mother for so many years; being rebellious as a child, careless and selfish as a teenager, then vile and repugnant as a young adult.

Although for a time I was a model citizen after joining a very influential and active church group, I eventually returned to the filth of a pigsty and the vomit of a dog.

I'm sure there are some relatives and people from my past that will always see me as that pig, as that dog... no matter how many times I ask for forgiveness, no matter my repentance, or good deeds since then, or my lifestyle and track record since then.

I am realizing this is their issue to wrestle with, not mine... since I have done my part.

The thought of receiving money from my mother, what can be loosely defined as a collected energy of her efforts while in the workplace, after so much trouble I caused her, seemed a shameful thought to me.

Especially after I had once again become a stench to my relatives.

When I go through the memories and reflect on the emotions, I recall being called the 'crazy uncle' by some relatives, a 'loser' by another relative when they were speaking to a city employee (slander), and several other terms not worth mentioning due to them being afoul and obscene.

Yet my mother still loved me although not being blind to my issues.

My mother accepted me despite my humanity, much how my wife accepts me despite my humanity.

That Godly comfort.

So in my journey to this bank, and the manner I am traveling to this symbol of temporal wealth, my lifestyle is still one of choice and also one of demand, but now for many different reasons.

Part of my job (according to my Boss's instructions and the job's description) is to walk the neighborhoods which surround me.

Literally walk.

To be among regular people despite my economic reality that allows for another zip code and a more lavish lifestyle.

This is why I don't wash my clothes using the washer and dryer at home, but I walk to the public laundromat a few blocks away.

My wife and I could afford greater accommodations and nicer comforts, but this is not the current plan.

Part of our plan previous to my current occupation as a writer, was to live as frugally as possible.

Save, invest, grow.

In doing so, the short term frugality will likely turn into a lifetime of convenience and limitless endeavors.

But, we will likely not reflect the lifestyles of the rich and famous, although owning, managing, and running similar monetary mechanisms.

The terms of my employment furthered this effort we had started and agreed upon.

Meeting my wife, at the point in time I did, was not surprising, or a thing of chance.

The timing of such an event, and all subsequent events at least in my life, are purposed.

Regarding my work; how else does one learn, and also affect others, if they are not among those they are commissioned to affect in every possible way?

How does one learn about the world around them if they are not in it and a part of it?

Thus why I daily walk alongside the roadwas slowly and conscientiously instead of driving upon the roadway quickly and unaware of the conditions on the street.

Thus why I take public transit instead of a taxi or a more private and quicker means.

Although God has restored my wealth in measurable terms as He did Job, the teaching is not to reflect such things outwardly.

And much like Job, part of my journey is to pray for those who have hindered me and pray for those who tried their best to help me... whether the help was a hindrance or the hindrance a surprising way of helping.

The effort is not to reflect a world that runs after these things and promotes such things outwardly.

This verse may explain more clearly what my words are talking about:

One person pretends to be rich, yet has nothing; 

   another pretends to be poor, yet has great wealth. 

- Proverbs 13: 7

I was the former, now I am the latter... all thanks to God's hand in my life.

There is a bubble I think most people place themselves in when pursuing wealth or in competing with others according to outward appearances.

This is why the conditions of my occupation is to eliminate such a bubble to better reflect sentiments on the ground rather than guesses from afar.

This allows for a clearer manner to not only stay grounded, but see soberly my fellow man's plight.

It is a manner to bring a better understanding how popular politics, popular religion, popular sentiments, and popular ignorance affects the world.

It is a way to better address divisive things that haunt our fellow cousins; all of mankind.

This is part of my job description.

One part of the job that is a great challenge is going through emotions... and navigating what triggers uncomfortable emotions... then writing about the emotions and challenges.

The effort of expressing them and putting them into intelligible words as simply as possible is not easy.

This too is a work in progress, my prose needing to be ever refined while my heart being checked regarding any residual anger or issue I have towards others.

This day's journey, and what I had ignored for certain reasons and for what they signify to me, also demanded I communicate with my siblings over the subject of money recently.

This subject can easily become touchy and volatile.

If the subject of money can be difficult for strangers or mere acquaintances to talk about, how much more with relatives who may hold bitterness for reasons I have expressed in this article.

I am not immune to such emotions and challenges.

My aim is high and my effort is for perfect accuracy, yet I also miss the mark.

I cannot imagine what other people hold in their minds or their judgments of me.

However, I can glean a glimpse when certain questions are asked or certain words are used in a seemingly provocative and hostile manner towards me.

I think I can handle a stranger's offenses, and maybe someone I consider an acquaintance or a friend, but a relative's insults and prejudice is something that triggers the past.

I struggle with coming to terms with attacks from people I love.

The effort to love everyone despite my feelings is not easy.

Since I've had a dubious past, full of sinful behavior and foul activity and attitudes (and who living among us and since the beginning of time hasn't besides the Lord become flesh?), certain relatives seem to have written me off entirely or have decided to cease acknowledging me as their relative or a fellow human being.

Some others display a pretty face in person, while communications are still severed or dysfunctional despite my efforts in reaching out to them kindly and carefully.

Still others revert back to the past and continue to view me as a troublesome individual, perhaps because of the foul words they heard come from my mouth many years ago... and perhaps this is their ever-present image of me.

All to my shame.

Yes, this man is to blame... for many things.

My person is responsible for any and all things less than holy coming from my lips, being sadly found festering in my heart at that time.

In speaking harsh words, judgmental words, and instigating words to certain relatives some years ago, whatever semblance of familial unity existed before was likely forever torn by my undoing.

This is my fault and I take full responsibility for such words and actions.

So it is a great emotional challenge when I communicate with certain relatives recently (this past week) and I have to still deal with things I believed had been already resolved and been forgiven for.

But God's forgiveness is not expressed through a human saying 'I forgive you', yet we may confuse the two as the same, or desire to hear one despite the promise of the other.

Where current suspicions exist, instead of questions being asked to me, wild accusations are instead formulated.

Intrigue occupies the space where truth and understanding should reside.

In the minds of some people, I have yet to overcome my past.

In the minds of people I dearly love, I seem to likely be some kind of villain or fraudster.

However... I know, my wife knows, and those who are privy to the intimate details of my life also know who I am, and where I am, and how I am, in all senses of these words.

We are tempted to prove ourselves, yet how can the invisible be made visible to those blind to both the visible and invisible things?

Yet I must still defend, or explain, or in as simple terms as possible offer apology upon apology for a past long dashed to the ground.

The correcting of faulty patterns is ignored, and this ceases to be a part of my shame.

It is their issue to deal with, holding onto the past without considering the now.

Must I also apologize for the ignorance of others regarding not knowing all the information regarding my personal and private life?

It seems I also must do this, but such shall not be the case.

How does one explain things already rejected as 'propaganda' as was once accused of me, or as 'shady' as was recently accused of me?

It is a matter of worldly knowledge, nothing mystical the things of money.

How does one explain and define what is wise from what is foolish when many people believe foolishness as wisdom when it comes to finances?

In trying to explain why I make certain financial decisions to relatives, or particular money moves that are not common to the every-day person, my efforts are seen as strange or illegitimate.

When I bought and sold real property many years ago, a real estate broker once scoffed 'how can he do that, he is not licensed'.

Simple question: does one need to have permission or have a license to buy or sell anything, even real property?

Simple answer: of course not.

Such an assumption is according to commonly held beliefs (which are incorrect), and only exists among those lacking a greater understanding of reality, and what the law allows and disallows.

My previous money mistakes led me to learn many valuable lessons that have turned losses into gains, near-bankruptcy into lasting wealth, ineptitude and fear into surety and confidence.

Meeting my wife and recognizing her discipline assisted immensely in my learning and my correcting of my individual money mistakes.

My recklessness was corrected.

She was reason enough to not be too risky or careless with investments; my 'self' now including her 'self' as a part of me, for we are one.

The opposite attitude in and among friends and relatives that I have tried to encourage regarding smarter money matters has long been expressed... and soundly rejected by most of them.

This effort shall also cease, me only discussing such when asked... no more open offers of advice where none was requested.

This is why those who don't understand, although they may desire to learn for themselves, are typically employees of those who do understand.

This is not a scathing remark but simply stating the obvious.

The following speaks to this issue and also speaks on my behalf and in my defense:

Why should fools have money in hand to buy wisdom, when they are not able to understand it? 

- Proverbs 17: 16

Along the way to the bank, I stopped for a rest and noticed I had stopped at a street I once lived on with my dear mother:

Being focused on walking as fast as possible due to the cold weather, the wind chilling me more than the warm sun warming me, I was at times thinking less about what was around me (yet, this again is part of my job).

As I journeyed closer to my destination, I began to get upset at myself.

I could have taken the bus, to the train, to another bus that would have dropped me of a few feet from my destination.

Why was I even walking all this way?

But for some reason, I had decided to have a long walk.

I had plotted the route on a map earlier that day, so I knew it would be quite a long walk.

I was complaining because of the wind and cold.

Even in our times of what seems like thoughtlessness, the Lord's will is purposed and prevails.

We don't always 'see' or understand, yet our intuition or knowledge of such things do not hinder His will.

During the walk I began to realize why the long walk was my forethought.

I began to recognize places.

Memories were alighted in my heart.

I recognized a barber shop I would visit on occasion prior to my hair starting its fallout.

The barber was always very thorough and precise in his care... always earning a tip beyond the cost of a haircut.

I saw a bakery where my wife and I stopped at one day to buy a cake for a relative of hers.

It was a smaller and humbler place, yet the service and appreciation for our business was different than the famous place we had previously visited.

Since I was walking towards a place to receive monies left to me, I couldn't help but be in 'investment mode' along my walk.

I had thought it funny, yet not surprising, that I found that button [first image] where I stood waiting for a bus.

I later placed it on my sweater.

My mind returned to a certain 'state', now looking at the local real estate I was walking past.

I returned to a mindset from almost ten years ago; estimating value, demographics, growth, opportunity, risk, et al, when looking at commercial and residential properties along my walk.

That stretch of three-plus mile road was territory I would frequently traverse many years ago, but always in my car or on my motorcycle.

Being on foot slows down observation and clarifies the thought process of what one sees.

Walking allows for greater and deeper understanding.

Introspection.

A sense of all things present and reflections on the past with considerations for the future occur.

I noticed a certain supermarket that is still closed.

Some businesses had moved out and others had moved in.

Some places were still vacant, while new vacancies had occurred.

Certain patches of land were still unused and now overridden with graffiti and trash.

Life continues despite one's absence, in which direction we can tell only in times later.

Life also continues in the absence of others.

This bothers me when I consider that I never desired to become estranged from any of my relatives nor friends from my past.

As I near the bank, I notice a space of land where a hospital once existed.

This is a hospital my mother would take me as a child.

I recall my childhood doctor.

I recall one of the last times I had visited him about sores on my knees from playing in the dirt too much.

I recall how I both respected his suggestions and feared his diagnosis.

Being a child and the manner a doctor is perceived, his words were near-gospel regarding my health.

He was right 'up there' near the priest of my youth.,

Their voices and messages held words that would resonate not only the moment you heard them but as memories of things not easily forgotten.

Now that particular stretch of land, that parcel, having been closed and lifeless for many years, is now a recently built gated community with units for sale in the low $600k's.

I laughed out loud (for reasons I won't clarify now).

From there I noticed certain apartments that friends from church had resided in, and fond thoughts returned to me regarding their love and care for a young and scared and naive man [me].

As I neared the bank, the pain in my feet from walking too fast and feeling what seemed like blisters forming... began to subside.

I looked across the street at the mortuary where my relatives had gathered for my maternal grandmother's passing, she having passed a few months prior to her eldest daughter; my mother.

They were two of a few pillars in my life.

They have now been released from the body and have returned to where they originated.

These were realities having considerable adjustments for me.

Thank God my heart had been prepared by His hand for such an experience.

Lots of memories, and emotions, still present but not as overwhelming for me as when these realities actually occurred.

The emotions were resolved and had been made peaceful and hopeful in my heart, all praise and glory be to God.

My most recent emotional struggle was dealing with relatives who held other monies (besides the I.R.A.) from my mother's estate and seemed reluctant to release them to me.

The challenges of working towards peace with relatives, even siblings you've promised to never be at odds with and promised to forgive and promised to work through whatever issue may arise... can be overwhelming.

Yet these challenges seem to be a constant, like a wound that has yet to be healed.

I began to understand why some relatives do not keep relations ongoing; it may be too taxing on their hearts.

For me, the pain and trouble is part of the cost of loving others... or at least this I have accepted.

I can only do my part in praying for them and doing whatever it takes to express my love for them, battling out my inner struggles accordingly... since it is my flesh I can only deal with.

This verse comes to mind while I'm thinking about these things on my walk, now teaching me anew and reaffirming my hopes of things that may not be purposed by God's hand, but allowed for greater reasons:

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity. 

- Proverbs 17: 17

In the bank, things went smoothly and every bit of paperwork spoke for itself.

I recall how certain relatives ignored the trust (fiduciary relationship between people) and will (legal document expressing directives of a decedent) made out in my mother's name.

In it was explained who was given certain authorities and responsibilities.

I had arranged all this as a service to my relatives.

I had asked them about it and walked them through it, explaining it was a tool to make things easier and to help us all keep not only more leverage in decision-making, but also more money in terms of lessening fees and taxes.

It was a wiser and more shrewd manner to handle things.

To appease the distrust of relatives, I told them I was removing myself entirely from any decision-making.

At the time I knew my relatives had lost confidence in me, so I arranged the trust and will to place them in charge of all things related to our mother.

I was a passive beneficiary next to them also being equal beneficiaries, as my mother had written down in her will.

However, this legal document and its directions were entirely ignored.

Thus the contract was breached, establishing a cause for lawful recourse on my part.

It was several years after the signing of these legal items that I learned the reason for the ignoring these papers.

Duress was claimed.

How can an entire living room full of relatives, all competent in their own right, all signing an agreement together and being present for that purpose, claim later they were somehow manipulated or molested into signing these papers?

I had explained all important details and there were no objections.

I think the reason for this dubious claim of duress arose from an outburst of mine that led to a confession aimed at harming certain relatives.

I had been insulted after another attempt at explaining what was being signed, hoping to answer any lingering objections or ignorance.

I had played a DVD that was explaining the reasons why a trust is a vehicle that brings benefit while also limits liability and preventing mistakes.

This effort of mine was interpreted as promoting 'propaganda'.

The instructional DVD had been turned off shortly after I left the room for a few minutes.

However hurtful my response and mistake in making a shameful accusation as a rebuttal to an accusation of promoting 'propaganda', the signing of the documents continued as planned and we later traveled to have a notary stamp the state's seal as a valid witness before the signatories.

The argument for duress was bogus.

I can possibly conclude this move was a form of vengeance and denial of things brought to them.

My good-will effort in presenting the trust in the first place was disparaged.

As with previous accusations and suspicions towards me, my good effort was deflected as something deceptive or too unusual.

In my haste, I failed to realize that these dear relatives of mine either did not understand what a trust was, or were unable to estimate its value, or simply desired not to pursue any course beyond what they currently understood.

Most people have all things they own in their personal names.

Understandably, anything beyond the usual mode for most people can be viewed with skepticism.

Following the herd is a path of least resistance.

However, this herd mentality is also the most expensive path regarding taxes, fees, third or fourth party intrusion, and so forth.

Again, it was myself who had long ago decided to learn certain things and pursue certain paths in life.

They had not chosen such paths.

Financially speaking, we speak two different languages.

Spiritually speaking, likely is much the same.

Regarding their clear breach of a legal document, I knew in my heart I couldn't respond within the legal parameters as I could have.

The thought of involving a lawyer to address their breach would be a worse decision on my part, although it was 'lawful' and a way to redress a trespass according to this world.

This would have dealt a death blow to any future reconciliation or any semblance of familial ties.

I mentioned it in passing, but simply complied with whatever they thought would be best.

If I can somehow measure my weaknesses and personal challenges when it comes to these matters, I wasn't going to dare test their resolve or ability to handle a lawsuit between relatives.

I had long ago resolved that any amount of money or righting of a wrong was less of a priority than keeping a semblance of peace and relation with my relatives.

The cost towards peace and reconciliation is costing more than money.

Forgiveness and overlooking such foolishness and arrogance was a greater (and tougher) purpose, I realized.

In my journey thus far on this earth, and the lessons learned from this short journey that cold and windy day, to do something I had ignored for reasons aforementioned, I have realized some things previously 'learned' but reaffirmed and made even more real.

The individual arrives at certain places in life alone, while in the flesh, yet is always accompanied in the Spirit (or a spirit of some kind).

Although two people, in the flesh, may journey together throughout all of life, the understanding between their minds and hearts may never be equal between the two.

How much more, then, does confusion arise when one individual had embarked on a journey of discovery so long ago while their contemporaries, peers, or relatives refused to do so?

How troubling and frustrating when attempting to express and teach things others have never taken a liking to, or have ignored as being too difficult to learn or something uncommon?

This should explain why 'the road less traveled' is a journey only for those called to walk it.

Since I also speak of things made by men, laws and legal code made by men, issues of temporal leverage and nominal wealth - the languages of men being misunderstood, how much more challenging are the things of the Spirit of God?

The things of God are heart-directed, not always logical or rationally explained.

Yes, both are conveyed in simple terms and in certain human languages, yet both can be hidden from the hearts and minds of even the most learned person.

This too is purposed by God.

To be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves has its place and is a teaching from Above.

It is so sad when one's shrewdness is interpreted by the unlearned as fraud, or shady, or mistaken, or unlawful.

Even more sad is when one's relatives or next of kin interprets your innocence as a cause for suspicion.

When the unlearned are your dear relatives, it is a sting that may feel similar to what Christ may have felt when even His relatives doubted His intentions.

If this is how the Christ was treated, and He being perfect in every word and deed, how much more are those who follow Him yet are still in this sinful flesh and missing the mark?

How much more is this poor reflection of the Lord easily misunderstood by his relatives?

Thank You God Almighty that You know me through and through, and it is Your Word that speaks to me and clarifies this world and people's manners towards me.

It is only You who has forgiven me, and it is only Your forgiveness which is most necessary, although I desire to convey my sorrow and plead forgiveness for any and every trespass against others (and ultimately You).

Help me forgive those who trespass against me, for reasons I enacted and for reasons only believed by them, for this is also Your calling and Way for the believer to overcome the wolves among the sheep.

When I returned home from that day's journey to the bank, I had spent a greater part of the day walking several miles in a chilly wind.

Thinking about the recurring issues between my dear relatives and thinking of what ugly ideas they must still have of me, I was momentarily alleviated when having an insightful chat with the bus driver on my way home.

We spoke of things real, not about the weather or sports or vanity in politics.

I partly shared my day's challenges and events leading up to the journey, and they too shared their challenges in such a manner, it seemed we had been life-long friends.

This discussion had me studying my surroundings.

Even on that particular bus heading back home from my previous location I was being taught by the Lord.

I had another smack of reality that dawned on me as no time before.

I was stricken with a glimpse of what many of our fellow human beings experience daily.

Sitting on the bus stop prior to this bus arriving, the bitter cold was unrelenting.

There I realized what others must deal with on a daily basis as they go to and fro in earning a living.

The thought of a daily outside journey without a private conveyance (a car) is the reality for some in the city, and this a lifelong fact for many.

I've been living this reality for a few years now, on purpose as already explained, yet this particular day its significance was made clearer.

Although I walk every day, the mile or two I walk I do so in easy stride.

There is little expectation of anything new since the places and faces are familiar.

My daily routine is not as emotionally charged as today's journey was.

Another thought that came up was regarding those who don't have a place to go 'home' to.

Moments after finally arriving home, I was taking a steamy hot shower to warm my chilly body.

As the hot water warmed my shivering muscles rattling over my boney frame, my heart struggled considering those who do not have a hot shower to restore their cold forms, nor a warm bed to rest their battered bodies in.

This is one level of the human condition I have not experienced.

Thank You Lord for teaching me not according to experience about this toil and hardship, but as a witness.

May Your grace be sufficient to comfort those who experience a life on different terms than those we consider terminal.

God, please bless each and every relative of mine (both stranger and known, close and on the other side of the world)... may You hold them all eternally in Your grace.