Recent Discomfort Felt Like A Flood, When A Calm Stream There Was
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| There is a natural order... one that works on its own. We are to learn from it, not so much alter it, but work with it. If someone builds a dam upstream, they are not considering those downstream. In trying to have sufficient water, are we tempted to build dams of our own? |
Recently I experienced a glitch in the matrix.
Actually several.
I'll mention one, for now, the other later.
My debit card was closed.
I had been warned by the card company this would happen.
So I sent them an email after the most recent warning.
Never received a response.
So I sent them an email after the most recent warning.
Never received a response.
Paypal.
A pal when they pay, not so much when my 'HELP!' emails are ignored.
They've been great the entire time I've used them (more than 10 years now).
They've been great the entire time I've used them (more than 10 years now).
They've been wanting me to get chipped.
I'm not mad at them.
My old card had another year until expiration, but they seemed determined... this was bothersome.
I'm not mad at them.
My old card had another year until expiration, but they seemed determined... this was bothersome.
Oh, the chip...
[WARNING: mental tangent / journey starts here]
Thoughts of the mark may come to some minds when thinking of such a chip.
Spooky.
This chip is not like Mint 'n Chip, my favorite ice cream.
CHiP's (California Highway Patrol).
I wanted to be this kind of CHiP.
Riding around on a motorcycle all day long in the warm Southern California sun.
Just like Poncherello (the Erik Estrada character): funny guy, smiling all the time, having a cool sports car, wearing bell bottoms and large lapels on my days off, busting the bad guys even when not in uniform.
You know... one of the good guys.
[NOTICE: topic recommences here]
Oh me of little faith regarding this thing called money.
I was challenged because I had become a bit undisciplined with my expenses.
At least this is what began to come to mind.
At least this is what began to come to mind.
A long-known lesson, but ignored for just as long, became a lesson once again:
I should have cash-on-hand somewhere, or easy access to another account, etc..
I should have cash-on-hand somewhere, or easy access to another account, etc..
Available options.
A rainy day fund.
Although I am married, and my monies are my wife's and her's mine, one area of discipline is not to be dependent on the other regarding one's own mistakes.
I had not been saving money for unforeseen surprises such as this, and that was my mistake.
A rainy day fund.
Although I am married, and my monies are my wife's and her's mine, one area of discipline is not to be dependent on the other regarding one's own mistakes.
I had not been saving money for unforeseen surprises such as this, and that was my mistake.
[inserting more excuses here; will you join my pity party?]
Past thoughts rushed into mind as well.
All past fiscal mistakes.
Don't you hate it when that happens?
I do.
The manner my current 'work' has been, I am to live on a very tight and regimented budget.
Not comfortable when one is accustomed to a particular lifestyle.
But my appetite for more had been appeased for some time, I've been weaned off the consumption hamster wheel.
I had learned to make do with very little.
Stripping away the chaff.
The other thing that got to me before the card incident was that my current writing commission was coming to an end.
That notice was actually the primary shocker that precipitated the card closing.
Felt like a rug being pulled out from under me.
Felt like I was getting fired / laid off.
I was... in a way.
Or was I being let loose to do more, now?
Not in pursuing more money, but in launching like a rocket from the growth experienced through my writing (what the notice directed me to pursue).
Adjustments.
Staying positive and faithful when things seem negative and doubtful, but are not.
The removal of a piece of the foundation was causing me to slip, yet I was seeing it all the wrong way.
It turned me for a loop.
Because it had to do with money.
I had become quite comfortable in my work... and a bit lazy, I must admit.
The card being closed felt like more snow was added to an already giant snowball about to crush me.
I love her because she speaks the truth when I most need to hear it.
She speaks the truth all the time, but I can be stubborn and... well, a typical man (I know, stereotype).
That's why this particular article is [a bit] dramatic while also being true.
I pursued a path many years ago to make sure I wouldn't be in such a position ever again.
But at that time, such a pursuit wasn't for me.
Or was I simply not ready for it?
Am I ready for it now?
I became so focused on money, the tax system, how things interact... and I dreamt of leveraging myself in such a way as to completely remove myself from all work.
That aim caused me to miss some very simple and fundamental realities.
I desired to not be sifted, to earn everything that I have worked for... but missed the human dynamic.
Do I even want to return to hunting big game (real estate property) and playing even bigger games (stock market trading)?
I decided to stop that train of thought back then because it had me justifying my greed...
When one finds out exactly how some things in this world 'work' (function, is more like it), there is an effect.
I'm not sure how such information touches others.
It granted me a sobering glimpse of the 'matrix' (economically speaking).
It troubled my conscience profoundly.
How?
I was justifying my need to earn more while ignoring my dog eat dog manners...
I was ignoring how my 'work' may negatively affect others...
I had emulated some bad attitudes towards honest work and followed greedy ideals promoted by nearsighted men.
Participating in the cold reality of how so much in the world is measured through money.
So I realized recently the rest of the world is still dealing with these things, and I had somehow forgotten... or fallen asleep to it... or perhaps had been comforted from having to feel it.
I had, for a moment, been granted an escape... a respite... and once again had to taste the bitterness of the red pill when learning I had to do something else for an income.
All past fiscal mistakes.
Don't you hate it when that happens?
I do.
The manner my current 'work' has been, I am to live on a very tight and regimented budget.
Not comfortable when one is accustomed to a particular lifestyle.
But my appetite for more had been appeased for some time, I've been weaned off the consumption hamster wheel.
I had learned to make do with very little.
Stripping away the chaff.
The other thing that got to me before the card incident was that my current writing commission was coming to an end.
That notice was actually the primary shocker that precipitated the card closing.
Felt like a rug being pulled out from under me.
Felt like I was getting fired / laid off.
I was... in a way.
Or was I being let loose to do more, now?
Not in pursuing more money, but in launching like a rocket from the growth experienced through my writing (what the notice directed me to pursue).
Adjustments.
Staying positive and faithful when things seem negative and doubtful, but are not.
The removal of a piece of the foundation was causing me to slip, yet I was seeing it all the wrong way.
It turned me for a loop.
Because it had to do with money.
I had become quite comfortable in my work... and a bit lazy, I must admit.
The card being closed felt like more snow was added to an already giant snowball about to crush me.
[my wife says I'm dramatic and exaggerate too much]
She's right, I am dramatic.I love her because she speaks the truth when I most need to hear it.
She speaks the truth all the time, but I can be stubborn and... well, a typical man (I know, stereotype).
That's why this particular article is [a bit] dramatic while also being true.
I pursued a path many years ago to make sure I wouldn't be in such a position ever again.
But at that time, such a pursuit wasn't for me.
Or was I simply not ready for it?
Am I ready for it now?
I became so focused on money, the tax system, how things interact... and I dreamt of leveraging myself in such a way as to completely remove myself from all work.
That aim caused me to miss some very simple and fundamental realities.
I desired to not be sifted, to earn everything that I have worked for... but missed the human dynamic.
Do I even want to return to hunting big game (real estate property) and playing even bigger games (stock market trading)?
I decided to stop that train of thought back then because it had me justifying my greed...
When one finds out exactly how some things in this world 'work' (function, is more like it), there is an effect.
I'm not sure how such information touches others.
It granted me a sobering glimpse of the 'matrix' (economically speaking).
It troubled my conscience profoundly.
How?
I was justifying my need to earn more while ignoring my dog eat dog manners...
I was ignoring how my 'work' may negatively affect others...
I had emulated some bad attitudes towards honest work and followed greedy ideals promoted by nearsighted men.
Participating in the cold reality of how so much in the world is measured through money.
So I realized recently the rest of the world is still dealing with these things, and I had somehow forgotten... or fallen asleep to it... or perhaps had been comforted from having to feel it.
I had, for a moment, been granted an escape... a respite... and once again had to taste the bitterness of the red pill when learning I had to do something else for an income.
I reflected on all the things from the past I've done for money.
I am one who can easily grow bored... so something new, although possibly daunting at first, can be a welcoming thing because learning will be included.
I am also one who, now, may be quite choosy when it comes to what I'm willing to do to earn my bread.
Industries immoral (on their face) or obviously out (and I shouldn't have to name them).
But what about when you perceive many common practices of the buying and selling world inundated with manners you dislike?
So... I need to get back to work in a serious way now, like everybody else.
Awe man.
Back to the 'real world'... but I'll save you from having to see another Matrix movie gif.
So... do I start another business?
That's a lot of work... which pays off in more ways than just monetary.
I don't want to use any amount of capital funds my wife and I have together to provide time so an effort can come to fruition.
More traditional work while working on a business and a plan to enact that effort.
Do I dust off my resume and shop that around?
I felt like I was choking when thinking about the thought of working for someone else?
Oi vey, no way... no way, Jose.
Now reality was hitting me like a ton of bricks (yes, dramatic... but that's how it felt).
I must tell you, the sense of being independent for so many years... and confronting the thought of now possibly having to work for someone else... how can I explain that?
To live according to another person's scheduling of you, to have to put up with pettiness in the workplace...
I hope for that escape for every human being.
There is something really terrible about feeling stuck in a job with certain characters that do not make the work environment better, but regrettable.
Few things are worse than working for a boss that is unkind, impersonal, or having disregard for another person's dignity.
I've had my fair share and that was a motivator early on in seeking out self-employment / my own small business.
Anxiety.
I write 'sense' regarding 'independence' because that is really what it is.
It is a sense because one is still participating, albeit in a more leveraged way, in the matrix when working for one's self or running a small business.
Ahead of the curve.
I think people that have been there know exactly what that feels and seems like in their mind.
Thoughts like having to start over, or step backward, or humble one's self to another regarding exchanging time for money... this I went through very recently.
Pride.
Sure my pride was exposed.
I am one who can easily grow bored... so something new, although possibly daunting at first, can be a welcoming thing because learning will be included.
I am also one who, now, may be quite choosy when it comes to what I'm willing to do to earn my bread.
Industries immoral (on their face) or obviously out (and I shouldn't have to name them).
But what about when you perceive many common practices of the buying and selling world inundated with manners you dislike?
So... I need to get back to work in a serious way now, like everybody else.
Awe man.
Back to the 'real world'... but I'll save you from having to see another Matrix movie gif.
So... do I start another business?
That's a lot of work... which pays off in more ways than just monetary.
I don't want to use any amount of capital funds my wife and I have together to provide time so an effort can come to fruition.
More traditional work while working on a business and a plan to enact that effort.
Do I dust off my resume and shop that around?
I felt like I was choking when thinking about the thought of working for someone else?
Oi vey, no way... no way, Jose.
Now reality was hitting me like a ton of bricks (yes, dramatic... but that's how it felt).
I must tell you, the sense of being independent for so many years... and confronting the thought of now possibly having to work for someone else... how can I explain that?
To live according to another person's scheduling of you, to have to put up with pettiness in the workplace...
I hope for that escape for every human being.
There is something really terrible about feeling stuck in a job with certain characters that do not make the work environment better, but regrettable.
Few things are worse than working for a boss that is unkind, impersonal, or having disregard for another person's dignity.
I've had my fair share and that was a motivator early on in seeking out self-employment / my own small business.
Anxiety.
I write 'sense' regarding 'independence' because that is really what it is.
It is a sense because one is still participating, albeit in a more leveraged way, in the matrix when working for one's self or running a small business.
Ahead of the curve.
I think people that have been there know exactly what that feels and seems like in their mind.
Thoughts like having to start over, or step backward, or humble one's self to another regarding exchanging time for money... this I went through very recently.
Pride.
Sure my pride was exposed.
So for the last two weeks, after that notice that prompted me having to find work...
... I was very much like this dude:
... I was very much like this dude:
All things are purposed or predetermined or allowed to happen in one manner or another.
This I firmly believe because I have experienced such.
I have seen and I have heard.
This I firmly believe because I have experienced such.
I have seen and I have heard.
I, unfortunately, failed the testing of my faith once again when it came to money this time around... yet I am not tempted to compromise nor justify ill manners to earn my bread.
I had become very comfortable... lazy... and had rebuffed previous offers of working with others.
Work and experience that would have helped me along, but in my pride, I said 'no' because I thought my current work would not cease... or that I was 'above' doing anything else.
Checkmate.
A friend who is a career-long published author of non-fiction offered to bring me onboard and get credit for a recent book he was completing.
In my pride, I said no.
Another friend asked me about working together on starting a business.
No thanks.
Arrogance.
Their offers for help was a mutual help, and possibly to better assist them... and I didn't do it.
I feel bad about that.
Isn't it funny how past events now make more sense, and the lessons are, possibly bitterly but clearly now learned?
I failed to meet an opportunity to help others in a way that would have benefitted them, and me... and again, not about more money.
Self-punishment... because of issues regarding money (or ideas related to it)... was an odd thing I went through some years back.
I'm mostly over the sentiments expressed in that guy in the wrestling ring... almost... mostly.
This mental adjustment is the momentary 'discomfort'.
Facing my pride and arrogance.
This particular challenge is now an opportunity to grow.
Growth, when experiencing its pains, usually doesn't feel good.
Only later is it realized... and does a feeling of satisfaction or understanding cover over the pain.
Only later is such pain appreciated as to how it was the best thing to have happened.
Hope.
Settling now after the emotional rollercoaster and shock of surprise.
Another comfort has returned... the better one.
I was reminded that I have long been comforted... and more is now required of me so others may be truly comforted.
I know I eluded to no more Matrix gifs... but this last one is how I now feel:
I had become very comfortable... lazy... and had rebuffed previous offers of working with others.
Work and experience that would have helped me along, but in my pride, I said 'no' because I thought my current work would not cease... or that I was 'above' doing anything else.
Checkmate.
A friend who is a career-long published author of non-fiction offered to bring me onboard and get credit for a recent book he was completing.
In my pride, I said no.
Another friend asked me about working together on starting a business.
No thanks.
Arrogance.
Their offers for help was a mutual help, and possibly to better assist them... and I didn't do it.
I feel bad about that.
Isn't it funny how past events now make more sense, and the lessons are, possibly bitterly but clearly now learned?
I failed to meet an opportunity to help others in a way that would have benefitted them, and me... and again, not about more money.
Self-punishment... because of issues regarding money (or ideas related to it)... was an odd thing I went through some years back.
I'm mostly over the sentiments expressed in that guy in the wrestling ring... almost... mostly.
This mental adjustment is the momentary 'discomfort'.
Facing my pride and arrogance.
This particular challenge is now an opportunity to grow.
Growth, when experiencing its pains, usually doesn't feel good.
Only later is it realized... and does a feeling of satisfaction or understanding cover over the pain.
Only later is such pain appreciated as to how it was the best thing to have happened.
Hope.
Settling now after the emotional rollercoaster and shock of surprise.
Another comfort has returned... the better one.
I was reminded that I have long been comforted... and more is now required of me so others may be truly comforted.
I know I eluded to no more Matrix gifs... but this last one is how I now feel:
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