A Recent Day Of Lessons

Let the sun set on yesterday.
Learn the lessons those yester-days are teaching you.
Place hope in what every 'Today' brings.
Let Today form you into the child God has allowed the past to make.

Recently I was reminded of the past, my past, in a gracious way.

Lessons came to me in almost every place I looked and every thing I saw.

I realized I was to break with my usual routine the morning of this particular day.

I took a walk that morning before my other usual things.

I usually take a walk after doing certain things throughout any given day, which is very routine.

The routine is typically a coffee shop in the morning to do my work, and then sometimes if time or weather allows, to walk about and see faces, do further work as it comes about and presents itself.

One of my walking paths usually goes south a particular main street, passes places I frequent and used to frequent, goes along one side of a large park, and ends up at the beach... with a return sometimes north on the same road, other times along the parallel road that runs along the other side of the park... also seeing places I frequent and used to frequent.

I saw several scenarios that recalled a former self to mind; a recent self and a long distant self.

I saw the group I formerly played a sporting game with, a group I helped grow and further its in presence locally and through a council person.

Seeing my old friends from afar, hearing them laugh and seeing them do as they've always done, brought a smile to my face... and also a bit of gratitude I stopped playing with them.

I love them.

Although to me it seemed the love was not returned by all as it was given, I think I had too high expectations.

This likely was sensed and caused trouble for myself.

It's a long story and to put it simply and hopefully not too arrogantly, 1 Corinthians 15: 33 may explain what I noticed.

I shouldn't expect a return in-kind of any type, but when open disrespect or open insult is a common occurrence amongst others... this shows I am perceived not as their peer and that I (or my heart's thoughts) am welcomed no longer.

My old self from any years ago would likely not hesitate to break their wits down to size, reflecting their comments accordingly, but this is not me any more.

The temptation to unleash heavy insults and even hint at physical support to my words with this tongue that is now only to praise the Lord in all things, was not an option.

What began as consideration to a stranger, then later easy banter, became outright insult, shunning, and other things that reminded me of grade school.

These efforts signaled it was time to move on and leave them at / in peace, dusting off my feet.

Yet there I was, among them and having a good time.

I was getting some much needed exercise and making new friends, openly inviting all who passed by and inquired about our gaming fun.

I treated it like church, promoting salty conversation and consideration towards all others as best God has me do.

Whether some, or all, or none of them are part of the sheep fold will be revealed in due time.

I did my part; may they be blessed and found in His grace.

Continuing my walk, I make way along a sidewalk near the sand about 50 yards parallel from the shore.

I come across a group of people having a meeting.

They were reading out the twelve steps.

Although I was never officially part of a recovery group, I had attended in support of someone and found the organization to speak to my heart in many ways.

There were times in such meetings I would be compelled to also share myself, again not being a part of the group, and it was generally requested only members share their testimony.

I couldn't help it, my heart was moved.

The person I was supporting at the time, however, was closed like a can of expired beans.

I wonder if they have finally broken that can open and spilled those old beans and many demons... or if they have been broken open in the spiritual sense upon the Rock.

I had abused drugs and alcohol at various times in the past, but was too proud to be a part of such groups... nor was I demanded to be a part of such groups by law as this person I was attending with was compelled to.

Hearing briefly the reading of the steps recalled to mind how these groups indeed help and provide support to those who desire help and recovery.

As I see things, the twelve steps are very much modeled after a church with faith as the manner healing is realized, loving acceptance being mirrored in their manners.

It made me happy to see them and hear a bit of their reading as I passed by.

On my way in the opposite direction towards the lifeguard station, I pass by some young homeless people.

I recall my time of homelessness.

God's grace and plan was not having me actually be on the street at that time, but staying at places owned or managed by friends old and new.

It is only looking at the past that we see God's hand much clearer.

I recall the lessons of such trials and how my pride was being chipped away by the trials.

I held the notion of security in money and many things physical.

Such things needed to be stripped away to bring me back to recognizing my first Love.

Prior to arriving near the lifeguard station, I am reminded of some people I have met at this beach over the years, on this very sidewalk near the sand.

Some of the folks were lonely and at their wit's end due to their loneliness, contemplating suicide.

God's timing is perfect, and in our humility we are placed in positions to help, encourage, uplift others.

It is the other times that God places others on our path to help us... and oh my pride in battling such help from others is ridiculously shameful.

Some people I've met here here homeless and had been hardened by their trials, not open to discuss their trials with me or unwilling to consider sobriety (lots of addictions and avoidance of reality).

I know a bit of what that is like; the escapism from life's challenges and the draw of illusions and momentary pacifiers in place of facing life's challenges head-on... or one's self.

Most of the people that do visit this particular beach enjoy the sand, sunshine, shore, sea, and the view of ships passing by.

Too often, unfortunately, there are people who come here to booze; openly using drugs and alcohol.

In my past life many years ago, I would have joined them.

Other nefarious activities unsuitable for any place on earth I've witnessed at this beach.

Activities suited for private locations despite their level of depravity or delinquency, yet here they are in full view of others.

I see the highlights and lowlights of society at this beach - rich and poor, kind and vicious, honorable and dishonorable, straight and depraved, and all the points on a sliding scale of sorts; the grey moments between light and darkness going towards and away from the light.

And then there's me.

I've been almost them all.

I have been all the things that are reminded me, with few exceptions.

I realize once again my life more clearly, in the light.

I recall times of trouble where I thought myself to be in darkness.

I recall the times I have justified my ways in the grey.

Thank God He doesn't judge us according to our mind's perceptions, or treat us accordingly, but His love and grace is higher and beyond our limited and human measurement.

This is how and why we are utilized for others.

On my way back home, I run into a few familiar faces.

A man I consider a friend who now enjoys financial security and is very generous, showing gratitude in the best way he knows how.

I have been very much like him, not like his lifestyle, but like his manner of open opinion of others... gossip being a tender morsel and a weapon for the unloving ear.

A short time later, I walk by and stop to speak with two gentlemen I see often.

One of them runs the storefront, while the other man is retired and lives nearby.

They are always courteous to me, which makes it easy to respond in-kind to them.

We share some banter about politics and other popular muses, and also more serious thoughts about life in general and our personal experiences, mostly me sharing personal stories.

As usual, I get carried away in talking too much, expressing my thoughts too openly.

I get preachy.

Their moments of silence are not always a sign of me overextending my visit... but of their contemplation according to their responses and how they further the conversation.

After going on for a while, one of them quickly glances at his watch.

I use that as a joke (and sign) to continue on my way, having stood on a soap box long enough (and I joke about the glance and also that I'll pass my hat around now).

We all laugh heartedly, and I bid them a gracious day.

Not everyone is respective of the mention of God, or of people who hold Him within themselves and desire to project His light.

Conversations are adjusted for listeners, and sometimes we can get ahead of ourselves in our zeal.

It is a perceived blessing to come across those who have learned to respect such thoughts without being hostile about it.

Yet, in this particular town I currently reside in, God is openly rejected by popular consensus by some folks in local political office, or their expressions of the unnatural.

They 'spiritual' expressions are similar to godliness while being quite dubious and contradictory to the Word.

Even very liberal interpretations are outright conflicted regarding what has always been regarded as truth.

Their sources reflect more ideas manufactured to coddle depravity than work through it to produce fruits of righteousness... I think it's called 'new age' warm and fuzzy stuff... but God somehow works even through such things.

Hostilities also reside in those who seem to hold such thoughts exemplifying God in their hearts, revealing themselves to be more religious and unable to love always in the face of challenges.

How do I know this?

This is my life.

What precipitated today's change of a typical routine was a bump in the economic road.

My income is funneled partially to me, with most of it going elsewhere: to be saved, grown, making most of it.

In short, it is otherwise not readily available nor easily accessible to me for good reason.

The scenario set up for myself is very different from most others, including my wife.

Someone asked to borrow money from me and didn't return it as soon as they had mentioned they would.

According the system set up for me, the loan I decided to forward caused me to be short when they failed to pay, or make an effort to pay a portion, or mention anything when that day came and passed.

My wife was with relatives and was not present to hand me some funds... and due to a technical difficulty, we were unable to communicate immediately... otherwise she could have quickly sent me funds electronically.

I was hungry and had no food option at home this day of lessons.

Since I don't use credit but draw from debit (my own income acting as the credit), and I was unable to retrieve funds at a nearby ATM for reasons already mentioned.

This system beckons my discipline to be frugal.

It's part of the plan, yet I was to be tested.

I hadn't mentioned the request for a loan to my wife, thinking it wouldn't become an issue.

Instead of simply asking my wife to forward me some funds, as the days passed I became angry.

Being at zero, unable to get in touch with my wife, I went to the borrower in a less than ideal manner and shared my thoughts from a point of struggle and impatience.

No bueno.

I was faithless and had my eyes on other things... and a cascading already in motion continued.

I clearly lost sight of the bigger picture.

My pride confused my eyes and other senses.

My resolve in staying faithful (and loving, kind, obedient to Him in all situations) did not happen.

Once again my view and perception of money was revealed as a thorn, and I felt defeated.

I was doubting whether I was being too nice in initially handing over a loan in the amount I did, or not being firm enough in clarify the return date, or something else.

I usually share these seemingly insignificant things to my wife, but I hadn't this.

Many yeas ago when I pursued the knowledge and management of money, the manner I learned it was, I think, in a less than ideal and kind way... or quite possibly exactly how the world learns it and uses it and goes about it.

Years ago I was vicious, resembling more a hired hand and a money changer / lender than a generous giver and easy lender / gifter.

This old self can rear its ugly head.

The momentary struggle of being near zero that day, and being unable to communicate with my wife to send some funds into my account, had me frustrated and infuriated at myself, my little monetary 'program', the borrower, and the cascading of wild thoughts that are often times easily triggered continued befalling me.

Feeling humiliated that I had to explain to the borrower that their late repayment was a matter of concern for me because it conflicted with the system I have, was a strike to my pride.

When they handed me a portion of the amount with certain reasonable excuses (what and why they had to make consumer purchases), I didn't take it in a kind way, but simply took the money and turned away in haste.

I was wrong.

It was a shame how I acted, the thoughts I allowed to cloud my judgment, and my stomach's hunger pangs were directing me instead of His Spirit in holding sovereignty over this decrepit body.

Later that lesson-filled day I was to learn that it has been my prayer life which became decrepit.

My struggle arose in questioning the wisdom behind my income situation (as already mentioned), and caused me to think too deeply and too much about it and many other things.

Pandora's box.

I noticed this momentary financial crunch revealed my heart in such a way and so easily, I was beside myself... and of course, blaming everything and everyone else except myself and the temptation to grumble at God... boy had I fallen off the Path.

After festering over how I just acted with the borrower, and still festering over the entire situation, I went out to get dinner.

I was hungry.

A few feet prior to arriving at my destination, a man approaches me with a story asking me if I could help him get something to eat.

I found someone to break bread with, yet my heart was hesitant... but thinking how this (His) timing was no coincidence, not at all surprising, but yet another opportunity (or slip).

My heart and mind had been trained to be kind, open, saying yes, and thank God such overcame my flesh's desire to ignore, or to be rude, and simply react like an animal.

While breaking bread, this man shared about his troubles and his journey that brought him from Louisiana, through Colorado, and now to California.

He was about 15 years my elder.

My emotions and internal battle was having its way while I tried to contain myself on the surface, trying to enjoy my meal and be pleasant company for this stranger.

I'm sure part of my conversation had its share of salt, and also acidic vinegar and unpalatable hot sauce.

Sitting there I could hear the Lord speaking to my heart, yet I was struggling still with my pride and my mind's desire to justify my pity party and complaints.

I can see this man's humanity, the human.

I could also hear the Lord speaking through him to my heart, the Spirit living in him and my self.

I don't mean I heard God speaking because this man was quoting Scripture.

It is not that simple, for Satan also recites the Word of God in the attempt to cause division and further doubt.

Our conversation wasn't causing such, but challenging me where I have been and where I had been perceiving myself to be.

After we shared a bit about ourselves, our past and momentary struggles, I was being confronted with what he was seeing in me: forgetting to renew my mind, and lack of faith regarding certain things.

I wanted to snap at him with 'hey, I'm not the one asking for help'... yet that was exactly what I had not doing.

I had not been asking my Holy Father.

I had not been submitting in humility and asking Him for help... not about money, but about the real issues in my life.

I confessed to him that my prayer life had become a bit quiet and sparing.

One of his responses was the renewal of my mind... and he was spot-on.

My thoughts and misplaced focus had clouded my better judgment and allowed my emotions to override His direction.

Part of me didn't want to hear it, the other part of me was grateful and acknowledging the process.

I loved it, and I hated it. (Romans 7, specifically verses 14-25)

For some weeks I had become distracted, and had isolated myself from my greater job that I sometimes ignore, had justified putting other obligations off for other days.

Walking about that day, due to the challenges posed to me, was like a correction, a disciplining action, a rebuke.

My flesh was acting out, that was for certain... and again, writing this out reflecting on that day's events makes the experience clearer than when in the middle of the storm.

I've missed the interaction with the rest of the world, even in these few square miles that my path encompasses.

Being reminded of my past and His grace and control over my life, although my rebelliousness was triggered, His Spirit within me was enlivened throughout that day.

I was kissed by Him and embraced warmly although I was fighting Him in a fit.

In times past I would go into self-destruction mode, but not anymore (thank You Lord)... although those thoughts do arise, they are less and less... this another course in the ending of another chapter of my life.

I see myself in all people, although I may not have lived or experienced their specific experiences (whether sinful or glorious), but I can sense their temptations just the same.

Yet my well had run dry on my own account, because of my choices to stay in self-indulgent pride and in self-empowerment.

Why not draw from the Source in prayer.

This, yet again, is another pattern of my humanity, another issue in my side that is thorny and is a reminder (as it was that day).

We reflect one another, and this is something we sometimes embrace, and seldom times do not like to admit.

We also reflect His grace.

And He is so humble He reaches down into us in the most significant yet unforeseeable ways.

He is so humble, and I can be so arrogant... so full of hot air.

Thank You Holy Father for this life's experience, for walking me through it all, and wiping me clean over and over again when I have fallen (or jumped) into the mud.

Your Holy Name is to be forever praised, and that Name Yeshua shall be praised by all Your creation... to Your glory.

Amen.