Human Frailty Made To Look Strong: Part One

I was set on the 'right' path (right-facing face) since birth and through my upbringing.
Then I 'chose' to go left (left-facing face) when the world's ugliness began to look attractive.

A mind divided.

My, how people try to cope with their humanity.

People buy products that make them feel better about themselves.

People make great efforts to somehow 'change' things about themselves they are not happy with.

Maybe it is something in the world that compels people to 'change' themselves.

However, with each and every 'thing', does the feeling of fulfillment or adequacy come?

Maybe for a little while... and then its off to buy the next thing, or to 'change' something else.

People make extravagant or unusual efforts to beautify themselves, or compensate for what they think is lacking in / of them.

Some individuals are considered to 'have it all' or to be, according to our eyes looking at their exterior, 'beautiful'.

It is surprising to learn admired individuals had killed themselves, or have been living destructive lives, or to learn of their sense of inadequacy or insecurities.

People are often times only looking at the outside, and making judgments on things exterior.

People forget that all humans are soft on the inside, literally and metaphorically.

Those with the most hardened exteriors are often times the softest on the inside.

The reverse can also be true.

I think it better to be soft on the outside and strong on the inside... not having a hardened heart, but strength in fortitude and not being overwhelmed or overcome by the outer things of this crazy world.

The things we buy can become extensions of our self, a 'sign' that we are trying to achieve something on the inside by what we buy for the outside.

There exists a psychological connection between an expensive something and how one feels about themselves.

The expensive ___________ (fill in the blank for yourself) projects 'success' to others and also comforts the individual (you) as being successful, or having some form of value in or attached to themselves (yourself).

Our 'things' reveal our thoughts, our values, our tastes, and our status.

At least, that is what we 'think' (or hope) such things tell others about us.

Things exterior to us make us think they make us look more attractive, or 'up to speed' with the rest of popular society, or whatever else such things convince people of.

The chasing of the wind ... and ... keeping up with the Joneses, these efforts are sometimes called.

As a child I wanted the toys I saw on television or in the store.

In due time, I realized that certain shoes, hats, sunglasses, and clothes began to hold meaning for my peers at school... and by extension for me.

I think this is why private schools have uniforms, so kids are not dealing with economic pressures their parents either cannot sustain or have difficulty explaining to their kids.

For me and my particular private school, it was the shoes, the lead pencils, and other items that we could show off to our schoolmates (or be embarrassed for not having).

As I grew older, the self became the thing to project, for me.

The 'things' continued to be important, but more important was the talk; what came out of your mouth.

Why?

Because this is what everyone else was doing.

Cultural cues.

Societal expectations.

To question popular ideas and go against them is like asking to be ostracized and made fun of.

For me, in due time my choice of hairstyle projected how I felt about society's expectations of me.

My hair (and my clothes), for a time, projected me as rebellious.

I grew my hair long, after having it very short according to my previous dream of being in the military.

I went from being everything widely acceptable at home and in certain popular circles, to being against everything that I personally didn't agree with.

I took great pride in my 'look'.

Long hair, a very liberal mindset and manner about life.

It was a direct reflection, now looking back as an adult, of my home life (divorced parents) and the growing pains of being a teenager and trying to find where one fits.

My focus went from becoming something for a greater good (my family, my country), the childhood mold made in the image of my parents and grandparents, to focusing on becoming something of my liking (in my own image, whatever that would or could eventually be).

I went from looking like people I personally knew amongst my relatives, to individuals idolized in popular culture.

Musicians.

And since it was 'cool' to 'look' a certain way, and such idols were highly sexualized, this seemed good to me because it was a way to beguile and attract the opposite sex.

The initial mold was broken because I thought it was 'not cool' or not 'mine' because it was the ideas and wishes of those older than me.

I began to dislike the manner things previous to me had been established.

I began to question everything, reinvent myself, and began to reject those things I personally didn't find acceptable, or to my liking, now according to my personal taste on life.

What it really was?

I think I didn't like the fact that I had to grow up.

I didn't like the thought that some day I would have to do something in order to feed myself, because life at home with parents, with grandparents, and that comfort zone that actually allowed me to be a rebellious person... would one day come to an end.

And then what would I do?

So I admired others who have taken that same angst, and fear, and distaste for reality, and I desired to do as they did.

I pursued the use of drugs (escaping social struggles at home and in school).

I became careless, and desired to be idolized as I idolized the musicians of my time.

I noticed that these music celebrities made a lot of money, and they were quite vocal about their distastes of many things political and social.

I saw them as brave, strong, and having it their own way.

I wanted to be like them; doing wild and often times illegal things and being free to pay fines and escape justice due to deep pockets, or simply because many people liked me and also didn't care about the rules.

I was surprised at how such rebelliousness was financially lucrative.

Magazine articles written about these rebellious musicians, their every word honored as if it was some powerful correction of all things vile on earth.

These idols were tough.

They'd get into fights and their popularity was something to be reckoned with.

I was enamored by not only a certain look, but a certain attitude.

I was captivated by how such exploits captured people's attention.

I was dumbfounded how all of this was 'sold' through their music, or pictures... and they earned a living this way, having fans and throngs of worshippers at their beck and call.

To be continued in Part Two.