Confession

Because He loves us we are not destroyed.

When the human being sins, whether against their own body or against another human being, they ultimately sin against God.

Being united with the Holy Spirit speaks to this.

Knowing that God is aware of all things and that nothing is hidden from God's sight speaks to this.

The conscience reflecting one's knowledge of trespass, and acknowledging one's own trespasses, speaks to this.

The consequences of my sin have been grievous, yet its full 'reward' has been spared me.

Grace.

If I were to highlight my sin in full detail, some may argue that what I share is paltry when compared to the trespasses of others.

Although God created men and women to be attracted (and attractive) to one another, I am too fond of the woman's form for conscience-sake.

I lust.

I admire too much the female form, my eyes looking too long, my mind pondering things beyond innocence, my activities when alone allowing lust to overcome purity and holiness.

We are not found righteous due to the measure of wickedness of others, nor are we measured in such a way before God.

God is just and doesn't play favorites when it comes to the truth.

One may argue 'favorites' when it comes to who is found in His grace and who is not.

I don't think this argument stands when every individual human being has choice, and their conscience bears witness to their choices.

I have read arguments that particular sins are 'not' sin, but inconsequential or normal or natural.

These arguments are very much a part of a new age mentality that has redefined the world to suit popular sentiments and ideas.

This 'new idea' is not really 'new', but a rehashing of old ideas previously argued as a religion and / or the worship of some god fashioned by man's mind.

Since some men are overcome by their sin, they must argue their sin is 'okay' or 'not that bad', and thus they make for themselves their own law... while ignoring what God has long established in His Law.

It is calling what has always been wrong as right, bad as good, and vice versa.

Others would argue a firmer response regarding my or any sin in general.

Either way, the flesh is fallible and I (my self) still resides in this flesh.

I trespass the perfect ideal (which is Christ) despite my soul's desire for perfection and yearning to be like Christ in all ways.

Sin still exists in the flesh body, a temple housing the temple of God that is under assault at all times.

Either way, my shortcomings are nothing new to my person nor to the history of mankind.

These are not excuses nor attempts to soften my sin... but a reflection of man's situation as ever grievous.

Any sin is grievous... not according to a scale of increasing darkness, but by the fact that anything short of perfection is imperfect, and thus defined as sin.

Grace over guilt... but never to the point where sin is justified or allowed or dismissed or redefined.

Recently, I spoke to someone in an unkind way and my attitude troubled me.

At the moment of expressing my sentiments, I found nothing wrong with my harsh statements.

I was already emotionally charged.

I later realized I was already defeated by my previous sinful behavior.

It was this slap of reality, spiritually speaking, that prompted and purposed this particular article.

It was only moments afterwards that I realized my previous sin had brought me to a place where I would somehow justify my lack of love in the delivery of my words to another human being.

The words themselves were not bad on their own.

It was their delivery and the heart behind them that, at that moment, was not good.

I began to immediately feel guilty.

In my feeling guilty and pitiful, I also ridiculously justified my judgment of another person.

I attempted to pluck sawdust from another man's eye while a plank was sticking out of my eye the entire time.

The sawdust I perceived was this: a young man, whom I perceived not in need, asked me for money.

The plank I confess is this: my persistent lust leading to a persistent sin against my temple, causing me to judge someone and thus speak unkindly to them.

How the two met, although unrelated on their own, is the reason for this article.

I had seen this man several weeks previously in another part of town and he asked me the same question.

The question: Do you have a dollar?

It isn't the asking of money that upsets me... or what upset me this particular time.

God knows the times I have been reluctant to give (and why) or readily and eager to give when someone asks for money, or for food, or for help.

It was how I saw this young man.

He doesn't look needy.

If anything, his dress shows he is doing well (the appearance of seemingly good health, wearing loud and fancy clothes, several pricey electronic gadgets, fancy chains around his neck, an expensive-looking watch around his wrist).

His appearance was not as one in financial need, and this is why I judged him when he asked for money.

I found it offensive (or dishonest) for someone seemingly well-dressed asked for money.

Weeks ago when he asked me for a dollar, I had the same immediate response.

Back then, after a few seconds of looking at him and reflecting on his appearance and his question, I asked him why he didn't sell that fancy looking watch for cash if he was indeed in need of money.

He quickly turned and walked away.

I've had my experiences with scammers both in person and online.

In due time the truth is revealed, but before then someone may be duped by thieves and otherwise dishonorable people.

I don't like being fooled by someone... although I fool myself with my sin... since sin is deceptive and any individuals' sin deceives them.

I questioned his motives and wondered if this man was, like others I've encountered in the past, simply a liar (or someone deceived or someone justifying their fraud) going around taking advantage of generous people.

I was not so much embarrassed or ashamed that moment several weeks ago, but later I realized I could have chosen better words and a better response, perhaps striking up a conversation (being friendly) instead of a harsh response.

I was remorseful afterwards.

Recently, on my way to wash a load of laundry, I see again this same young man.

He is again dressed seemingly very well and this time is dancing and rapping / singing along to a song playing on his headphones... happily in his own little world.

He is outside this establishment that helps young people with emotional, mental, behavioral issues.

I supposed he was outside that place waiting for them to open, since it was still quite early in the morning.

This observation should have notified me that he was possibly not a scammer as I considered weeks ago, but perhaps someone with a certain mental condition or some other challenge.

I cannot say for certain.

I've been told by people who do, or have in the past, taken advantage of benefits and how they operate.

They've confessed that they simply lie in order to receive assistance.

So coming across someone who lives like this is not surprising... and asking them directly doesn't always render an honest response, but likely another lie.

It is called fraud... and whether they are blinded by deception, or simply justify their laziness and lies, is for them and God to work out when that time comes.

Regarding this young man, I couldn't tell the first time he asked me for a dollar if was truly needy (mentally) or simply choosing not to support himself.

I understand for some people it being easier to go around asking for money while disregarding thoughts of dignity or honor or burdening others when one should shoulder their own burden.

I cannot say for certain if this young man is a fraudster taking advantage of taxpayer-funded assistance and the public in general by asking for a dollar from people he comes across, but this I perceived according to this attire.

I cannot tell if he really is troubled in some way that prevents him from earning an honorable living.

He didn't notice or recognize me that early morning as I made my way past him and arrived minutes later at the laundromat.

I was already in a depressed mood that morning, being frustrated about certain things in my life and situations that are beyond my immediate control.

Frustrated also at my sin, allowing my emotions to justify my sin when reflecting on my current challenges.

This backdrop was the setup for my heart's attitude toward my perception of a fraudster.

Instead of extending grace and kindness and treating this person with love, I allowed my emotional state, construed by my personal sin, to speak to him in a less than kind manner.

Perhaps I am overtly sensitive about my personal sin and my chastisement was something previously determined and purposed through me... yet I can't help but feel a sense of guilt.

Some situations have me wondering if I had anything directly to do with their outcome.

Since fallibility exists in my flesh, I cannot be too sure if my immediate instincts are always correct... yet even if they are (my instincts) correct, my human extinct is not always reliable.

My human instinct, according to religion, would be to punish or chastise something I see as dishonorable.

However, the Spirit teaches my heart and soul to be kind and patient and not be tempted by the sin being witnessed... or as is also included in this case, a sin being coddled by me for some time to cloud my better judgment of things and situations around me.

I have been wondering if my sin had led to the current difficulties I am experiencing in my life, or if my sin has had nothing to do with what is going on in my life.

I understand that certain dynamics come to pass regardless of perfect obedience to all things from Above, or not.

Either way, I am going through some things and I have sin that I have to deal with and repent of.

Whether one is the product of the other is besides the fact that both are happening and both have to be dealt with.

Some time later this young man comes into the laundromat and makes his rounds asking several people if they have a dollar.

By the time he got to me, I was mad.

Now looking back, it was like I spiritually laid in wait for him; like I spiritually ambushed him.

Maybe this was meant to be, and I question if I am feeling guilty because my personal sin has not been dealt with, or if truly this man is a fraudster that needs to repent himself.

After his repeated question about if I had a dollar, it was like I forgot where I saw him earlier in the morning (something that should have reminded me to be kind and gracious in my words).

Instead of giving this man the benefit of the doubt, thinking perhaps he is not all together mentally healthy regardless of his attire and attitude, I judged him as I did several weeks ago.

My anger led me into speaking impatiently with him.

It was later that I realized this anger had been brewing beneath the surface from my bouts with my personal sin.

Seeing what I perceived as yet another fraudster taking advantage of generosity fooled me into lacking love.

After this question, one he likely repeats several hundred times a day (rendering who knows how much money on a daily basis), I mentioned to him that I saw him weeks previously after hearing the same question.

I told him I also saw him earlier that morning dancing around to music, pointing out how his nice clothes and new shoes and all his electronic gadgets makes me think he actually doesn't need a dollar.

I asked how he could be asking for a dollar when he has all that expensive stuff on his person.

Everyone by now in the laundromat was hearing me berate this poor young man.

The look on his face did not change.

He simply waited until I said for the second time come on, bro until he walked away.

His eyes seemed to roll upwards as his eye lids blinked repeatedly as he crossed his wrists over his chest and walked away without a word to say.

Witnessing that response killed me on the inside.

It was like a sign from God that I had overstepped a bound in the manner I spoke to him.

I then became angry at my trespass... then anger at my festering angry attitude.

Hypocritically, my emotions were justifying my bad attitude.

I battled between further judging that young man's habit of begging and trying to argue in favor of my chastisement... and considering the manner I spoke to him instead of saying hello and having a friendly chat with him.

I was now more angry than before.

Angry at myself.

Reflecting on many things.

I was embarrassed and ashamed.

Realizing my slip overwhelmed me with sorrow... and I wanted to hide myself.

I left as soon as the clothes were dry, folding them quickly and imperfectly and awkwardly.

I walked home somberly... later sulking and crying after briefly confessing and praying to God.

My prayer life has been quiet recently, not as bold and open and immediate as in times past.

I think this reflects my current condition and coldness in how I spoke to this man besides everything else that is going on.

I fixed myself a drink and closed myself off from the world for the better part of that day, afraid to inflict my distemper on another person.

When reading how those before me struggled with sin, and how they were grateful for God's grace, His forgiveness, His love over their lives and His willingness to redeem the fallen, is where comfort and healing begins for me.

Have mercy on me, O God, 

   according to Your unfailing love; 

      according to Your great compassion 

         blot out my transgressions. 

      Wash away all my iniquity 

         and cleanse me from my sin. 

      For I know my transgressions, 

         and my sin is always before me. 

            Against You, You only, have I sinned 

               and done what is evil in Your sight; 

                 so You are right in Your verdict 

                   and justified when You judge. 

                Surely I was sinful at birth, 

                  sinful from the time my mother conceived me. 

               Yet You desired faithfulness even in the womb; 

            You taught me wisdom in that secret place. 

               Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; 

            wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. 

         Let me hear joy and gladness; 

            let the bones You have crushed rejoice. 

               Hide Your face from my sins 

            and blot out all my iniquity. 

         Create in me a pure heart, O God, 

            and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 

         Do not cast me from Your presence 

            or take Your Holy Spirit from me. 

               Restore to me the joy of Your salvation 

                  and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. 

               Then I will teach transgressors Your ways, 

            so that sinners will turn back to You. 

         Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God, 

            You who are God my Savior,  

               and my tongue will sing of Your righteousness. 

            Open my lips, Lord, 

         and my mouth will declare Your praise. 

      You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; 

         You do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. 

            My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; 

               a broken and contrite heart 

                  You, God, will not despise. 

               May it please You to prosper Zion, 

            to build up the walls of Jerusalem. 

         Then You will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous, 

      in burnt offerings offered whole; 

   then bulls will be offered on Your altar. 

- Psalm 51