12 April 2016

My Mother Is Dying

The articles throughout this blog-site are about personal experiences and personal opinions derived from experience, observation and, what can be called insight; but I know it is not “my” insight which forwards a semblance of understanding to readers.

The past few days has been quite emotional, like a roller coaster; joyful, saddening, trusting, hopeful, hopeless, mind-numbing and many others.

When a loved one is released from the body ( their spirit returning to He who fashioned it ), emotions may sometimes run away from you.

The individual not only reflects on the person about to be freed from a body of decay, but also reflects on oneself, on others, on life in general and considers the meaning and purpose of things.

Seeing my mother lose her speech over the years, then her cognition, then her facial expressions, and ultimately all outward communication, has been difficult to put it in a single word.

I blamed myself, doctors, other relatives, and even her when she hadn't expressed her sorrows or internal battles years prior to the slow decaying of her frontal lobes.

In the past few days, I felt remorse for not doing more for her, or thinking I've failed some of her expectations for me.

There was a certain car she desired to have, and I was determined to acquire such a car for her, in her favorite color.

This ambition was a bit of a motivator when I had my heart set on making lots of money.

Yet when she couldn't drive anymore when familiar roads became unknown, this desire of hers was lost... and I too lost the ambition for worldly treasures.

Here and now, the time has come for my mother's time on earth to conclude... yet I am not desiring for this to happen.

I thought I had resolved the temptation to become bitter, or attempt to persuade God regarding her condition and for the wasting away to be reversed.

Yet in the past few days I questioned if I was being tempted to deny what was happening before me... seemingly deny His will.

Perhaps my faith and seeing myself as a spoiled child of God, I considered to not only bother the Lord for His healing hand once again, now for my mother, but to insist and persist.

I have no power aside from God to prevent the conclusion of death from occurring, for my faith says anything is possible.

God has and can do anything regardless of my logical understanding or comprehension.

I know it is never too late for a broken bone to be mended, nor a brain tumor to be miraculously disappeared, or for something to come from nothing ( the universe ), but the Lord's will determines if and / or when anything shall be... or cease to be.

The Lord is never late.

But the Lord's will includes many more factors and people, not simply working in a vacuum.

He works for the good of those who love Him, whether it is to restore their body, or cause them to die in any manner, or to bring about many more things we cannot immediately perceive.

The Lord also works for those near and dear to the dying, reaching past their fears and into their hearts to spark something; repentance, awe, reverence or possibly a taste of judgement.

The Lord also does not always meet our expectations, but instead exceeds our impatient expectations.

The Lord's will is what is always concluded, and this continues to be mostly unknown aside from what Scripture and experience may reveal to some of us.

So in battling back the tears caused by my swaying emotions at this vulnerable time; feelings of resentment thinking I didn't do enough for her, recalling troubles I had caused her, I beckoned once again He who can do all things.

I believe and understand that according to one's faith, a prayer or request shall be answered.

I believe and understand that the smallest amount of faith can move a mountain.

I believe and understand that whatever two or three agree upon on earth it will be done by the Father in heaven.

All of these shall be if they are found to be within His will... and according to His way... according to His timing... not always mine, or ours.

Yesterday morning a Protestant chaplain read, prayed over her, and last rites were read.

Later that evening, a Catholic priest also read, prayed over her, and read last rites.

I had no issue hearing these believers share their manners with us.

I had already beseeched the Father several times regarding my mother's condition, and also regarding this final phase of life, both from far away and now close to her... and if I must share, I too invoked what is called “last rites”, for I didn't know when her moment will come.

So whether my mother will pass soon or after a longer time, I cannot bitterly weep while also wresting with God against what He has set in motion.

I cannot allow myself to push my narrow view and human will onto Him, as a man would be tempted to do onto other men, falling into doubt and faithlessness regarding His eternal wisdom.

But emotions can cause us to doubt, or to reconsider what has already been made clear to us.

I desired to hug her; giving her a close hold I didn't a few days ago, thinking she was too fragile to be handled.

I began kissing her over and over again, from cheek, to forehead, to hand... and that's when I started praying... and this is when the tears really began to fall from my eyes.

My heart poured out, doing my part in begging the Lord for an extension to her life, or the better result; healing... or what He wills.

I searched for the words as they bounced about in my heart, as my mind attempted to capture them all in sensible order.

Having placed my hand upon her head while I held her other hand, I begged the Lord to heal her this instance and reveal His glory here and now... and if not, to please grant her a painless transition into His arms.

And as I continued through the sobbing and whimpering, my voice flexing and pitching in silly ways, she takes her free hand and removes my hand from atop her head.

This I understood as the answer from my Father; to face once again the notion I had for several years - that her imminent departure was and still is His will for her and others to experience.

I had written a blog post yesterday morning ( sort of 'written', more like just sharing Scripture and writing a few things ) because I hadn't written anything for almost a week; I was a bit numb from this visit.

I had not been sure what to write regarding my mother or this personal experience of anything else.

So this moment, another emotion that is returning is resolve... along with overriding peace.

I am resolved with what the Lord wills regarding my mother; whether it is to make her whole, extend her days, translate her in the body, or have her follow the conventional transition most of the faithful experience.

Any of these outcomes still result in the His ultimate glory and His perfect will for my mother and those associated.

In the manner this day or any future day plays out, I know and I am settled that my mother will soon enjoy His light and feel His comfort forevermore.

May His Name be praised, in all places, by all peoples, in all situations and at all times!

1 comment:

Kashara Moore said...

Thank you for sharing your pain and transition to peace. I too will soon have to deal with this loss, unfortunately my Mother's illness is substance abuse. The requests for more time, the hurt and questions about what you could have done differently is something I have been doing for the last few weeks. Again, thank you for reminding I am not alone in my feelings and giving me the courage to let go knowing my Mom will be okay, and so will I.