Listen, Learn and UnLearn

The other day I am back at a place I am currently frequenting, enjoying some interesting conversations and not trying to listen to some that are not so interesting.  The topic of a famous couple getting a divorce comes up.  Some of the men rate the woman according to her exterior looks and how she most likely would have never noticed her soon to be ex-husband if he wasn't rich and famous.  They mention how he's ugly and she would never have taken notice of him.  Some say she isn't all that attractive either and that they've seen better.  Everyone has something to say.

I also had something to say.

I say that both famous people had an unclear idea who the other person was prior to meeting due to their famous persona being on the radio, teevee, etc..  I also say they were most likely attracted to what is projected of them ( what is marketed to the rest of the world in order to sell things ).  They, like all who are sitting in that room discussing the topic, most likely had preconceived notions and high expectations of them that, after some time, were found to be untrue.  I also mention how difficult it already is to find someone compatible in the 'real' world and asked them to imagine how difficult it may be for famous people whose fame gets in the way of genuine relationships.  After I spoke, the conversation quickly reverted back to talking trash about these famous people, as if I didn't say much of anything.  What is noticeable is how when famous people are having trouble, the fans seem quick to throw stones at them.

Earlier I had met with an old friend, to catch up, talk about our lives and whatever else came to mind.  We haven't seen each other for quite a few years, in which time he married and had a child.  We both know one another from our time in the same religious organization.  The last few times we've met for lunch or by chance, we would reminisce and also gripe a bit about what did and didn't happen in that organization.  We discuss our lives now both being married and discuss the joys and challenges that responsibility entails.  We learn from each other.  What he shares helps me and what I share seems to help him.  We learn about what not to do and what to do more of concerning our wives.  We both see, through faith, that we are to treat our wives like Christ treats the church; we are to lay our life down for them, especially when our pride gets in the way of trying to be right instead of trying to keep peace and love at the forefront.  We are much more than just some man in the lives of our wives.

The conversation about the famous couple among my newer friends evolves into discussing relationships.  Some of the guys have their personal stories to share.  Some share about being married and then divorced while others share stories from their dating adventures and experiences.  I begin to realize that I have something very special with my wife that is not easily had by most I come across.  Much of what I hear among the guys sharing is mostly horror stories.  I can't help but ponder deep inside me that most miscommunication arises from lack of love, lack of respect and lack of knowing one's role in a relationship.  Far too many people have never experienced love and confuse love with attraction to the opposite sex.  After the butterflies in your stomach have all but flown away, love becomes a choice made and something pursued with effort, at times a strenuous effort, some other times with no effort at all.  Love is a choice.  You make this choice when using certain words and the heart behind those words, besides your actions and efforts.

The guys I'm sitting with know by now I am a married man.  After a pause in the laughter and trash talk from the male perspective, one of them asks me for my opinion in the matter.  I think for a second because my heart has much to say, but I need to speak wisely and not drown them in what may be heard as religious rhetoric.  I have two points to make.  I repeat to them something they may have heard before; "happy wife, happy life."  One other man there, also married, quickly agrees with me while some others grumble.  One talks about having to bend over backwards to please a woman.  I know this is not the case with my wife, for it has become a joy to serve her and she returns the effort in such a graceful way, I see it as such a wonderful blessing.  I am so grateful for the relationship I've been gifted and for having learned how to put the other person first out of reverence to God and out of love for them prior to meeting her.  I mention the obviousness and simplicity of this short phrase they've all heard before.  I use a few more sentences to expand the simplicity of that statement.

The other thing I have to share with them is something I heard on the radio some time ago while traveling with my wife.  It was a man preaching on the radio, and although I am very careful as to what I take as truth aside from opinion from anyone speaking about God, the last thing the guy on the radio said was something quite remarkable, humorous and yet sobering.  The man on the radio said something that I repeated to that room full of men who seem to be sharing about their failed relationships with their wives / girlfriends, yet seem to be gloating over their self-centered perspective and are unwittingly reinforcing the lie that true love and happy relationships do not exist.

I say: "I always have the last two words in my house... 'yes dear.'"  The room erupts in laughter.  I further the clear novelty of this statement.  I allude to how important it is to put out possible fires when they initially spark.  Put out that initial spark so it doesn't consume one or both people and before it ruins the hour / day / week / the relationship.  There is a way to put an argument to rest without being overbearing, without shutting the other person down, without hurtful words, without spitefully bringing up past issues, without stifling the other person and preventing them from airing their frustrations.  This notion is sometimes simply being silent when the other person has something to say, although what they say may be unpleasant or hurtful at the moment.  This notion is sometimes best expressed with the two words "I'm sorry" followed by your favorite term of endearment.  This notion is something best performed with less words with the aim at being calm instead of allowing your pride, emotions and whatever else may propel you away from love and the bond of peace.

Being in agreement with your spouse, even during an argument, is important.  You can avoid the many pitfalls which far too many people fall into.  In my union I am not always the one doing this, mind you.  I have had my moments as my lovely wife has had hers.  I mention how, by not being quick to engage in argument or a verbal fight, one can avoid confrontation when emotions are running high.  Any disagreement or issue can be revisited later when the emotions have subsided, the anger has dissipated and when the mind and heart can be reminded that the two people are now one.  The bond is based on love and a greater purpose which is something not to be thrown away for any reason.  After feelings have been calmed then the mind can once again follow the heart in talking calmly about whatever the issue was.  And many times the 'issue' was something ridiculous and petty.  The practice of not letting the small things cause division in a relationship is necessary if / when something big does happen. 

My wife is my body.  My wife is my heart.  If I do not take care of my body, protect and guard my heart... if I carelessly mistreat my body and deny my heart the love it needs, my body and my heart will cease to function properly for me... and I will cease to exist.

Sadly, some folks see other people as something that can easily be removed from their lives, like a worn out garment easily tossed away.  Sadly, people are seen as something that can be easily replaced.  Perhaps people have this notion because they see so many people living on the earth and figure there is someone 'else' that can take the place of the one you now have next to you.  But no two people are alike, even among billions.  To replace a significant other as you would replace an older model car for this year's model isn't the same thing.  People are not objects that can be upgraded, updated and refurbished.  People are not replaceable, regardless of what your teevee, your programming, your conditional upbringing, your movie or your music tells you.

The lies which make up our society and culture forwards a cold message lacking the virtues of what makes a relationship work.  No wonder mainstream culture promotes the doubt of a God.  No wonder people go about their lives based on the material while the spiritual world stays a mystery to them.  No wonder so many disbelieve that love is available for them.  The popular culture is marketed the world over and although many may deny it, they are conditioned to not only admire popular attitudes, they also admire popular people.  As the regular person who watches pop culture may not realize, they subconsciously forward what that culture teaches them.  It is in the way you dress, the way you speak and also in the way you act.

The famous couple who are planning to divorce had a child recently.  That child is the casualty of their selfish decisions.  No amount of fame, money or replacing of a spouse will take the place of the mother and father in a loving relationship.  Simply because someone is famous, or rich, or renowned for some achievement doesn't mean they know anything about love or how to keep a relationship together.  Rarely does the 'news' share a message of lifelong trust, fidelity and love between a couple and the product of their commitment and sacrifice exemplified in their children and their children's children. 

The recipe that makes a relationship flourish includes a variety of ingredients.  The main and most important ingredient is love.  Let us realize that this love ingredient isn't the one misconstrued as a feeling but a long lasting choice to accept the other person after the 'feeling' of attraction begins to fade.  The other ingredients making up the recipe is humility, patience, forgiveness, understanding, service, compassion, etc.. ( there is a long list ).  These are the missing ingredients from the world's perception of what kind of ingredients go into a relationship.

Here is the best description of what makes a relationship work, thrive and survive the moments of misalignment:

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails...

- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

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