Confessing And Letting The Light In

We are called to be the light of the world.
We are called to confess our sins so the light may dispel darkness.
What about when we are like added sugar to an already unhealthy world?
Can we make excuses? or do we stand up for what we've done?
This article is where I do just that, and it may show my humanity as never before.
In this article you will read how despicable of a man I have been.
May God be truthful and every man a liar.

This morning I happened to hear a woman's testimony about something she says happened to her when she was a teenager.

The political saga of Ford vs Kavanaugh.

This issue has become yet another hot-topic that beckons people to choose sides.

There are usually many more sides to a story than just two.

At least three: your side, another person's side, and then the Truth.

The Truth knows what really happened.

Truth can explain why people did as they did.

The Truth can reveal the secrets of the heart unknown to ourselves... things the individual has no clue about... how evil one has been or can be without God.

People can only look back at what they did.

Who can fully confess or say 'yes' to all their sins and the secrets of a corrupted heart?

We each think we 'know' or can clearly 'see' the truth... yet when we explore all things, we know that is not always the case.

We are revealed to be (or have been) utterly sinful... destined for eternal punishment.

We can only 'honestly' speak from our side, or our experience... and hopefully go further in considering how the other person(s) feel about what we did.

When we only look after our self interest, or desire to justify or excuse our trespasses, often times something is at stake: the Truth.

After the Truth, then at stake may be our record, semblance of integrity, perhaps a job, or freedom from imprisonment.

To contemplate compromising the Truth in order to hide or cover up our sin is a dangerous thing.

In dong so we run the risk of deceiving ourselves.

This morning after hearing a woman share how an incident affected the rest of her life, I couldn't help but feel guilty.

I felt guilty because I too have trespassed against the opposite sex and must address it.

I have two accounts I need to share and get off my chest.

Although I know the Holy Father has long forgiven me, part of the work is to fully disclose what may later bother me.

I need to be reminded of these incidents or I may easily dismiss a woman's side... or excuse my role and participation.

I have personally shared these two past events with others, but never publicly nor in detail as I will here.

What is often missed or misunderstood in the God-established patriarchy is a man's full role.

People somehow disregard the role of a man due to man's trespasses.

Man fails to be perfect.

But any man's failure does not negate what God has established.

When it comes to His kingdom, it is surely a patriarchy.

What is included is the power in confession, repentance, and forgiveness.

These lead to healing in both the sinner and those sinned against.

Not understanding (or simply denying) these realities that God has established is why a man's role is under attack.

God is mocked when men fail to take full responsibility for their role in the home and in the general society.

A man is to protect his fellow man.

Obviously this includes both human genders (men and women).

With that responsibility comes the integrity of being honest with one's self and with others.

The man is to acknowledge when he is wrong (or sins, trespasses, fails to be perfect in thought, word, and deed).

Taking responsibility for trespasses committed, whether purposed or however one may initially perceive them, is what differentiates a man from a coward... even after a cowardly or despicable thing was committed.

It is easy to shift the blame, or lay the responsibility on another person.

But you really see who you are in the flesh, and who God calls you to be, when you honestly confess and take responsibility.

When it comes to sexual relationships, or the attraction between two people, I've noticed how easily one denies their intentions or motivations in making excuses for their sexual urges.

The individual's role and responsibility is also denied due to how the other person may act.

This is why a man may lie (to himself and to a woman) in order to lay with that woman.

First the man may say many beautiful or ridiculous things, only to later reject or despise the woman.

As a young man, I learned how to be such a blemish in society.

I was persistently reflecting the depraved nature found among us.

I found myself lying to myself (and to women) in the pursuit of personal sexual gratification.

I justified my dishonorable actions in the pursuit of self-gratification without consideration of others.

I also justified my low manners, disregarded my role as a responsible man, by excusing such when pointing to the woman's desire or 'openness' to my advances.

When I was 17 and a senior in high school (12th grade), I had befriended a girl of 14 who attended the same school.

She was a freshman (grade 9).

I was still a virgin as was she.

I liked her, but not to the extent that I had her in mind regarding a serious relationship.

We occasionally talked on the phone and saw each other in person a few times when I was able to borrow my dad's truck.

One day, a male friend and myself stopped by her home.

Her and I had talked about meeting, and this was an opportunity to see each other since I was with a friend who had a vehicle.

Next-door to her home was a vacant house.

My friend broke in through an exterior wall behind the water heater housing.

My friend had marijuana and she was open to trying it for the first time with us.

I had already been smoking it since the beginning of the school year with this and other friends, and this particular bag of marijuana was much stronger than usual.

We smoked the marijuana and she became near comatose.

Although still awake, she was not responding when I would talk to her.

To my shame, I took advantage of her docile state and inappropriately touched her.

My male friend witnessed the incident but did not participate.

Only afterwards did the weight of what I had done hit me.

When she began to talk again, we hurried out of that vacant house.

I rushed her off to her home, and my friend and I left.

Arriving back home, I cowered in fear expecting the police to knock at my door and take me to jail at any moment.

But that did not happen.

Although I was still under the influence of the drug, I couldn't ignore the fact of what I had done.

I expected a phone call from her mother or father about what she most likely told them happened.

That didn't happen either.

Some days later her and I spoke on the phone.

To my surprise, she seemed excited that something did 'happen' but was disappointed she didn't fully remember.

I told her what I did.

We eventually talked about her coming over to my home.

She told me she wanted to see what my room looked like.

I think this was an easy way of her saying she wanted to have sex.

When the day we planned for her to see my room arrived, I asked to borrow the same male friend's car who was there during my indecency.

I drove her and myself to my home.

Although I was excited at the idea of the both of us losing our virginity together, or of me having sex, I couldn't bring myself to perform.

She was waiting for me to proceed, but I couldn't.

It seemed forced, and we both had no clue what we were doing although we knew 'how' sex is supposed to go.

Despite my desire to do it, I am not sure if it was my guilt that overwhelmed me, or the fear of getting her pregnant, or contracting a disease, or something else.

I was simply stunted.

I also had never ditched school before, and I was nervous about getting in trouble and that teachers and her parents would eventually find out what we were up to.

Not sure if I apologized for what I previously did to her in that vacant house.

I also do not recall what, if anything, I said in trying to explain why I was not willing or enacting anything sexually there as we lay in my bed with our clothes on.

I drove us back to school.

I shared with my friends my inability to go forward with the plan.

A few weeks later the girl calls me and tells me that she lost her virginity to some boy.

She recounted how it was not romantic but mechanical... and it was someone she had not known as long as she did me.

I was disappointed.

I felt cold hearing how she told me the story.

I felt somewhat responsible.

I sensed she felt compelled to lose her virginity... as did I, likely due to peer pressure and a focus on sex at that age.

I felt guilty because instead of trying to talk her out of it, I placed myself as a willing partner.

Any interest I had in her was gone after that conversation.

Maybe a week later she comes to me as I'm sitting in the senior dining hall having lunch with my friends.

She tells me how she has taken many aspirin pills that morning.

This pained me and I felt helpless.

I told her to go immediately to the nurse's office and share what she did so her stomach can be pumped.

But I did not think of walking her there, or talking about what she was thinking or feeling.

I was numb... and I didn't care.

Regardless of her openness to me or other boys, one of my sins was not being responsible with her (besides the others).

I cannot make the excuse that many teenagers desire to pursue sexual situations.

I cannot default to teenage hormones or 'everyone is doing it'.

I failed her as a brother (spiritually speaking), and I should have known better.

I did know better... and I acted like a pervert.

Her lack of self control did not excuse my lack of self control, my actions, or intentions.

The second incident happened with another girl seven years later.

She was under age (under 18), I think 15 or 16.

When I first met her I did not know she was under age.

She was friends with another girl who was 19 years old.

I had previously slept with the 19 year old girl.

A male friend of mine worked with the 19 year old, and it was at their workplace that I met the younger girl.

The day of my trespass, I drove with my male friend to meet these two girls at the beach.

From the shore I can see the two girls swimming.

As the younger girl is jumping over an incoming waves, her top falls off.

I caught a glimpse of her nakedness.

Immediately began devious thoughts.

I had recently broken up with another girl and was feeling lonely.

Although I was not initially attracted to her, something sparked in me after seeing her topless.

Due to my friend's work schedule, he suggested I drive the younger girl home because she lived near me.

He would get a ride with the 19 year old.

I didn't oppose the suggestion since I was lusting after her.

As we traveled, I eventually mentioned that I saw her naked.

She laughed about it and was a bit embarrassed.

I began a wave of compliments and began sharing with her how seeing her naked made me feel.

I was not a virgin anymore, and had by that time learned how to smother a female with flattery in order to arrive at something sexually gratifying.

I was a wandering dog once again, having returned to my vomit.

By the time we arrived at her house, I bluntly asked about her doing something for me.

I practically begged her for some sexual attention.

She kindly declined to any such activity and was opening the door to get out of the car.

She was not at all interested in me.

I'm sure in her mind she was simply getting a ride home with a friend and nothing else.

But I insisted.

I kept talking, and begging like a pitiful fool.

I don't recall exactly when I found out she was underage.

It was either earlier at the beach when talking with my male friend after seeing her nakedness... or during the drive to her home.

But to my shame, I knew she was under age when trying to charm her for a sexual favor.

I was persistent, used humor, guile, and a serpent's charm.

After a bit of verbal back and forth, she conceded.

She leaned over for less than a minute.

Immediately afterwards, I was conscience stricken and apologized.

It was like I woke up although I was awake the entire time.

She was surprisingly kind and dismissive about it.

She assured me had boyfriends before, and some much older than myself.

I was further stricken with guilt.

I was now peering into a deeper chasm of trouble than I initially perceived.

I realized my complicity.

I added onto what others have done to and with her.

I couldn't simply push off the responsibility on her or make her out to be anything less than honorable... same with the other young girl.

I despise what I've done and can never excuse my actions.

I must own them fully.

I had a greater role than just passive idiot and I failed.

It is one thing to attempt avoiding responsibility for one's actions while in the flesh.

It is another thing attempting to avoid the light of God Almighty... and I've been wanting to write about this for some time.

It matters not to me what others have done or do, but it is a great matter what I have done to others, how I've hurt them and sinned against them.

I must look myself in the mirror regardless if others choose not to.

It is very easy to justify things, but better to reflect how we are culpable and responsible for our actions and our participation with others in either nefarious or immoral activity.

The weighty issue is sexual relations with someone not promised to or given to us in holy union.

My actions reflect the unrelenting desires of the flesh... and I failed to restrain them, but inflicted punishment onto these two souls.

And again, their willingness cannot lift my full weight of responsibility.

If anything, any point of willingness that may be arguable from their side further affirms my irresponsibility with them.

It is a shame how little responsibility men take for their sexual appetite, and how easily men pass off that responsibility onto their counterparts.

The same shame can be found with women, but it is for them to conclude their role and responsibility, same as with each man to face and accept his role and responsibility.

I lost touch with both girls many years ago, for their acquaintance was short-lived (less than a year).

Hopefully they both are doing well and happy despite my failures as a human being in being honorable with them and protecting them.

I don't recall asking for forgiveness from the girl when I was 17.

I do recall asking for forgiveness from other girl.

I forwarded my remorse through my male friend.

Her response was again not to worry about it and that she had forgiven me.

The age concern was not hers, but it was mine for obvious reasons.