Opening Front Doors

He goes before me, His angels accompany me.

Last week was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for me.

A few things happened in sequence that tested me somewhat.

One thing: I visited my paternal grandmother, the last one still in the flesh, my dear Sarah.

Some time had passed since last I saw her.

Aging and deterioration is more pronounced.

Her age is a humorous controversy.

She is somewhere between 98 and 102.

The words of a nurse and an administrator, either purposely or without intention, landed on my heart in such a way that triggered feelings of guilt in me.

My wife utilizes the car full-time, so I journey via public transportation and on foot.

Walking around the city I grew up triggered lots of memories.

Public transportation (bus and train) is not always a pleasant experience, but sad and can be emotionally trying.

Another thing before visiting grandma: I was made aware of a biological relative previously unknown to me, my dear Angelina.

Seeing my eyes in hers triggered tears and a rush of surprise emotions.

This relative was found through an internet search.

A relative I don't personally know uploaded her DNA results in the hope of finding distant relatives.

It is a unique feature how very close biological relatives share similar features, while cousins usually do not... or very few features.

Usually only those in a straight line regarding family trees share resembling features.

Another thing before learning of this relative: discussing the reasons why my parents divorced with a relative siding with people who caused much distress.

Some suggestion or claims made me indignant and caused me doubt in the fact that I had already forgiven those who've injured me and other relatives.

New information and biased arguments, although welcomed in helping me reevaluate the past, may have better been unknown.

After these previous events: a movie I saw that, being a drama, triggered a flood of emotions through the songs and themes presented.

I found myself crying like a child, sobbing... and praying for the world, for some people I know, and for myself.

Not sure exactly why, but my cognition points to the timing of these events this week.

Also how some movie themes remind me of what God has done for me, and how He has maneuvered my life that causes me to be overwhelmed and eternally grateful.

These events and some ongoing realities cause the heart to stay tender despite life's overriding joy.

This I understand as His good and eternal purpose.

It is not that I look forward to a good cry, for I actually dislike crying altogether (what man does?).

But I am an emotional being, reflecting the world outside my body as it touches my heart and conscience.

It has been the times that nothing triggered a tear that revealed times of me walking numb.

When I was emotionally detached was when I made grievous mistakes and hurt not only myself but many others.

I don't think everyone is the same.

My wife, for example, is not one to shed a tear so easily... although she is not insensitive or detached.

She had a very different upbringing than myself and did not choose detrimental paths as I had.

What I've learned is that she has been spared much trouble because she has made better choices.

It is I who has made purposely bad choices and have suffered the consequences.

I the prodigal son, the rebellious child and adult.

Yet God's grace is consistent within both of us.

I'd like to think He has more work to do with me.

Not proud of this, but I think it is reflective of the work I am called to do... my part... my 2% to His 98%.