Childish Antics

It is easy to blame God.

Although I understand that nothing happens outside of God's will, when something arguably 'bad' or 'tragic' happens, I once again wonder “how can God allow this to happen?”

Another response when things seem to go wrong or bad, is to blame myself.

“God is punishing me for my past sins” is a common thought.

“This happened because of what I did / said the other day” or something similar.

I don't live a perfect life, although this is the effort.

Nor am I perfect in thought, word and deed, although my aim is to be perfect.

So when something 'bad' happens to me, or my wife, or someone near and dear to us, I wrestle with these thoughts of doubt.

I get into arguments with my thoughts... and I sometimes find myself festering in a bad way.

I can have a temper, and it doesn't take much for my temper to become a firestorm from a tiny spark moments earlier.

The challenge is dealing with the firestorm once it begins to push from my heart and towards my lips, my mind already in a heated whirlwind.

The goal is to not let any firestorm develop from the typical sparks I encounter, sometimes daily and too often to care counting.

Yet I fail.

I fail to be perfect.

I fail to extinguish the thoughts before they affect my heart.

'I' fail because I am human.

Yet when I begin to pray, I realize 'I' wasn't meant to live this life alone.

I find myself confessing almost all the time, and I hate that.

I hate that my shortcomings are not easily removed.

I used to beat myself up with resounding negative thoughts, with the echoing words of others, either from church circles or relatives.

But once He taught me what grace means, peace comes quicker and quicker.

The resolve to confess and accept one's humanity becomes easier.

The self-punishment or echoes of accusing words, veiled as 'help' from others, are heard less and less in my heart.

What I am always faced with and always reminded of is my humanity; my failings, my character flaws, my past attempts building on sand.

The previous foundation of sand needs to be cleared and removed entirely.

The sand I've tried building on is being removed when I'm tempted to blame God for this world's troubles and turmoil.